Lit Humor Quotes

I'm just an everyday kind of hero. If the everyday kind saves babies from burning buildings and looks hotter than hell in bunker gear.

All's well so long-as you don't get shot in the hind end with a twenty gauge.

Sometimes it's nice to have a man around the house. But a dog will clean the dishes.

I'd love to go out with you, but I'd hate to deprive some village of its idiot.

Let us talk about oxymoron, common sense, for instance.

The trouble with insanity is it can flare up at the most inconvenient moments.

Expect stupid. It's everywhere.

Taxes for people with too much damned time on their hands.

A friend is someone who will bike to the ice cream shop with you, even when you don't look so good.

You guys gotta get a license to drive a Geo, but any doofus with a few good swimmers can be a father.

What if there's no such thing as PMS, and this is just my personality?

Matrimony and firefighting. They ain't for cowards.

If money don't buy happiness, what the hell does?

Excuses are like butt holes everyone has 'em and they all stink.

It is far better to know the painful truth than to live with a kindly falsehood.

If they really wanted us to resist temptation, they shouldn't a made it so damn tempting.

I'd trade every last one of you for a moment's peace and a dog that didn't P on the carpet

Maybe knowledge is power, but it's damned hard to think a burglar to death.

Booze and boys, ain't nothing in the universe that'll make a girl stupid faster.

Analyzing dreams is much like walking on water. There are a limited number of people who do it well.

A pigs and pain, until you really get to know 'em. Then he's a paid with the soul.

There are lots of fish in the sea. Some are sharks, some are angels, and some are bottom feeders.

Men have two outstanding features--their brains and their genitalia. Unfortunately, both rarely function simultaneously.

Sometimes stupid is crime enough.

It's not as if I don't like men, I just have more respect for my washing machine.

I'd rather be pissed off then pissed on.

Celibacy sucks, no pun intended.

Lust and love. They both put a fire in your damn shorts.

There aren't many things a man finds more appealing than loyalty. Unless it's a woman with really big knockers.

Yeah, world peace would be all right, but what about a day off in a slab of ham the size of my head.

You are a perfect woman, a magical blend of beauty, intelligence, and spirit. Without you, my life is nothing.

A balanced diet and a brisk daily walk will help keep you healthy, but there's nothing like a good-looking young man with a nice butt to help up your cardiovascular system.

I've been a little cranky since that house fell on my sister.