Humour Quotes

With great power comes a great need to take a nap.

The world is your lobster!

Racism was not a problem on the Discworld, because—what with trolls and dwarfs and so on—speciesism was more interesting. Black and white lived in perfect harmony and ganged up on green.

... Melissa better not turn her back on her because nothing sums up crazy as much as a fat woman in love.

Oh, man, she's gonna love you, ' Max said. 'Physically. A lot.

From time to time I show up in myself just long enough for people to know they are not in the room alone.

I jumped on Sinbad's bottle. Nothing happened. I didn't do it again. Sometimes when nothing happened it was really getting ready to happen

Maybe next time, don't bite the girl you fancy.

The nearest one came to a tumble dryer was if the laundry basket was dropped on the way to the washing-line and then the whole lot went tumbling down the drive.

We left dents on each other. Mine was in her heart, and hers was on my car.

Do not mislead Perez Anna or malign the people who have sheltered you for over twenty years. We are not - what is the word for eaters of one another?""Capitalists, " said Anna.

I am empowered but have no power to compel anyone to do anything

There's only one thing in life more dangerous than a bad idea, and that's a good one.

You can't draw lines in the sand like that. Humour's a tsunami that doesn't care about your little lines.

When you keep a secret from your parents, you're not trying to protect yourself. It's because you're trying to protect them.

Facebook should start publishing breakup stories. 'So and so and so and so are no longer in a relationship.' With a tombstone next to it.

Displacement of 'What goes around, comes around' is Zero.

Secrets are dangerous.” Gottfried Baumauer.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, you will be a mile away from him, and you will have his shoes.

He quite liked dentists’ waiting rooms. Waiting for dentists was good. Waiting for them was so much better than having them stick metal spikes in your mouth.

Mike’s brain was hardwired directly into his genitals and most higher functions appeared to have switched themselves off. In other words, he was just like most men.

Every child needs a father. Even if he turns out to be Darth Vader.

St John had always been a fan of the RS Turbo, mainly due to the colour coded rear spoiler and air vents in the bonnet, which distinguished it from the more common and less powerful XR3i.

Had the facial plumage been of a paler hue it would have looked like a pile of horse crap on a winter’s day.

Beetroot Cossins had moved to Kuala Lumpur where she had died of lethargy and pie.

Her protestations were drowned out by the sound of Gordon Honeycomb barfing up aftershock into the kitchenette sink.

Private Benjamin lives next door but one to Bob Cryer from The Bill. I once saw him crouching down behind a sycamore tree and using his nose as an Allen Key to release a starving rat.

You little prick. It's a whelk...it's a...it's a...dead whelk!

A huge meringue with polio who drives everywhere in a beautifully restored Hillman Imp.

Every time you tell a lie an angel punches a unicorn in the face with a kitten.

HECKLER: Say something funny!COMEDIAN: I don't do requests.

Sleepwalking is the perfect exorcise for lazy people

I'm holding a super-expandable energy-powered towel. I've made friends with space hamsters. I think we've stretched believability rather far, don't you?

I decide to release myself the only way I can imagine: I pee my pants.

I daresay something will happen, between now and ’91, to make your fortunes look up.

After your daily bread, if you ask God for anything, ask 'him' to make you right in the head.

Maple thought optimistically that human beings, on their good days, weren't much dimmer than sheep. Or at least, not much dimmer than dim sheep.

There are some things you just don't say...not even in a school!

You know you’re dealing with a numpty when her saving grace is that she didn’t help to cover up a murder.

One grey hair appeared on my headI plucked it out with my hand.It answered me: "You have prevailed against me alone -What will you do when my army comes after me?

Age may catch up with you, just never let it over take you.

You look extremely young, " said Miss Nightingale...."Age isn't really a matter of years, I find, " returned Phemie. "I know people twice my age who will never be as old as I am now.

Old age is not just for grown up's

I swear I've good morals. It's just that bad ones befriend me. I'm a friendly person, you know. But I will talk to them. Believe you me.

This is supposed to be a lighthearted session of symbolic document destruction, not a political debate.

Resilience, thy name is Devine.

I get my share of mud flung my way, but the secret is to dance in the rain and the mud will wash away.

That's one way we differ, Jaime and I. He's taller as well, you may have noticed.

Dr. Cox: Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present, Man Not Caring.[points to self]

Truly, " remarked Nandi as we entered a darkened tunnel, "it is amazing that you have not died yet, mistress." "Well, hang in there. The night is young.