Humour Quotes

You think writing a book is hard? Wait until you give it to someone to read.

So? I know lots of beautiful women. Nova wanted to chase... I merely obliged her by running.

David had left her, taking his insane jealousy with him.

Facing the backside of the future is the only way to move forward

I am an optimist and when I am too sure of something or someone, well, of course it turns out that I am wrong .. at other situations, I imagine the worst and needless to say, I am again wrong

Iron deficiency can lead to a wardrobe full of crumpled clothes

Always dip your toe in the past before stepping into the future

I suddenly realise that it doesn't matter how far I go, or how lost I am, or how lonely I feel. I fit in here. I always will.That's how I know I'm home.

If heaven was created only for the most stupid clown, then Mr Bean could have been the only righteous man on earth.

If heaven really exists: then heaven is the job, hell is unemployment, while life is merely an interview.

He was definitely taking his bodyguard duties seriously tonight. He gave off a take-one-step-closer-and-I-will-show-you-Armageddon vibe.

I suppose you’re young, ’ she conceded, managing once again to make youth sound like impetigo

Here is a story in the worst way. I have no business being anywhere in it. It comes between me and the life I have coming.

Nobody wants to give up a weekend-long excuse to dress up and attempt to outshine one another.

If the US is a human melting pot, then Eastern Europe is a scrap yard.

The Americans have perfected weather forecasts: a model presents a model of the Earth, a map, and jabs at it with her pointer – here and here, this is going to happen. Voodoo.

I'm so sorry. I think I'm just tired." The socially accepted excuse for being mental.

I don’t know why Kate was trying to impress him, as far as I could see the guy had all the allure and social grace of a psychotic slug with halitosis and a bad head cold.

I could still box your ears.”“Nonsense, ” he scoffed. “You couldn’t reach that high.

You thought I was peculiar, ” she said in a muffled voice.His mouth brushed the edge of her ear and settled against her neck. She felt that he was smiling. “Darling love… you are.

That’s great, Grace, but in case you’ve forgotten, we’re supposed to kill vampires, not play nice and have lunch with them. - Archer

We are not subjects of an autocratic King, but are citizens of the country contributing to the advancement of our people who pay taxes out of their hard earned income.

Think for youself but not because I said so!

People who smile while they are alone used to be called insane, until we invented smartphones and social media.

Oh sod me, Sir, not another bloody Paddy. Even a Brummie is better than another Paddy.

A chap’s impending death has a way of focusing the mind.

Could I please amend that suggestion? Could you not be there in the second darkest shadow one hour before midnight, to see who steps into the darkest shadow?

You Englishmen, ’ said Herr Wurter. ‘You are all the same. Wherever you are you behave as if you were at home and your word was law.

I knew today was gonna be bad, but I never got close to this

Before I was ordained, when I was working for the council, I thought of the first three months of the year as January, February, March. Now I think of them as Epiphany, Candlemas and Ash Wednesday.

All good writers are weird. Proudly weird.

All of it—for this. Leading us to a door we can't open, a password we don't have.

Life is mean! Don't lose your humour jacket. You'll really need it.

If you're getting chased by a lion, you don't need to run faster than the lion, just the people running with you. - Tim Ferris

Where's Kraven? Is he stalking me too?"His mouth went tight. "I'm not stalking you.

Are you following me?" He asked."Us?" I was the first to speak. "Um, maybe. Hi there. How are you tonight?"He looked at me like I might be a bit crazy.

Nothing iseternal.Everything elseis not.

You can see the people who thought they could come to London, bend over and pick gold off the streets. They’re all lying on benches in Trafalgar Square with hernias and cans of Special Brew.

Skul-man!' he exclaimed as he rushed forward to shake his hand. 'Last I heard you were trapped on a dead world overrun by evil trans-dimensional superfiends!' Skulduggery nodded. 'Just got back.

Without pride, man becomes a parasite – and there are already too many parasites.

Shame comes in different doses.

It’s late and most of the clerks are at home in their beds, dreaming of swimming in pools filled with real money.

Don’t mock my suggestions, Ridley – one day in the near future, they might just save your life.” Maxwell D. Kalist.

Only men with intelligence, confidence and absolutely no empathy at all can progress upstairs.

Every time I so much as blink you get an erection.

To Kalist, Baumauer’s just a timber bridge in need of a good hot fire.

You are a more powerful person than you might have ever imagined.” Maxwell D. Kalist.

Are there not times, Ridley, when you yourself wish only to hear the best in people – and not to be dragged downwards into the underworld we all regularly inhabit?

What can you do for love?Can you leave a person for love?Can you leave a country for love?I think I wouldn't even leave my couch for love

It’s not easy to be God.