Humour Quotes

WHAT? YOU AGAIN?' he shouted in capital letters.

In my time first cousins did not meet like strangers. But we are learning modesty from the Americans, and old English ways are too gross for us.

The definition of Brevity: That which people believe would be a virtue - in me!

When a Lady chooses to Change Her Mind, ' said the Mouse with a touch of hauteur, 'a Gentleman would consider it no more than her Privilege, and not Badger Her About It.

Captain Midlands: "I met the real you once."John (Lennon) the Skrull: "You're meeting the real me now."Captain Midlands: "I told him to get his bleedin' hair cut.

As long as we only have to lie to the enemy, it's honest enough for me.-Captain Tagon

Maxim 36: When the going gets tough, the tough call for close air support.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

New Maxi-Pad Pets. Accessories for your period.Brought to you by The Corporation: In your homes andin your pants.

Maxim 16: Your name is in the mouth of others: be sure it has teeth.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

If your brother can't 'old 'is own against a bunch of orphans, 'e'd best leave off playing 'azard altogether!

Mr. Brundy, " she said with a nod, making the most perfunctory of curtsies to her father's guest.He made no move to take her hand, but merely bowed and responded in kind. "Lady '

When the enemy of my enemy is willing to use plasma weapons inside a hotel, I think I can do better than stupid aphorisms, General.-Captain Kevyn Andreyasn

Ennesby, get the Serial Peacemaker to the beach for dustoff.""Dustoff? You're going to run away from three guys?""No, I'm going to kill or capture those three guys, and then run away from the Police.

Ah! The English language was a wonderful thing! You could always find the right word. He only wished he could speak the language.

Technically, you don't pay me.And technically, most of what I do is "think."I...rrr. ummm.And when you get right down to it, I'm better at it than you are.-Ennesby & Captain Tagon

Yes, but none of them can steal my ship.None of them are smart enough to know that it was the right thing to do at the time.

Maxim 6: If violence wasn't your last resort, you failed to resort to enough of it.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

Maxim 4: Close air support covereth a multitude of sins.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.Cross it? I'm making plans to destroy the bridge from orbit.-Colonel Ceeta & Captain Tagon

No! Wait! I've got a better idea...""Your ideas tend to result in unnecessary violence, Sergeant Schlock.""And your point is...""Let's broaden the definition of 'necessary'.

You're more mean-spirited than I remember you being.""It's this organic body. Hologram fur wasn't itchy.

Welcome to your new bodies, gentlemen. If you'd like, I can help you start your own 'dysmorphia is all in your head' support group.

Ow. Stop that. It hurts my brain.Isn't your brain distributed through your entire body?See why I want you to stop with the doublethink?-Sergeant Schlock & Captain Tagon

I'll leave you two alone. Morality might be contagious.

Does that mean that if we shave all the Ob'enn they'll be nice?

Anand finished up his cola cube transaction. I stepped up and slammed three pound coins on the counter like an oppressed inner-city youth born with the skills of rhythm and rhyme.

Yo, bredren, we be the illest, ' went my proclamation. 'We be the dopest, ' Anand would follow. 'Our tunes are going to be good, ' Nishant would finish with.

Writing is like a lump of coal. Put it under enough pressure and polish it enough and you might just end up with a diamond. Otherwise, you can burn it to keep warm.

I swiftly discovered that there are few things in DIY (and possibly life) that can't be solved with a large mallet, a bag of ten-centimetre nails and some swearing.

A married man is just a single man who couldn’t say no.

A brain the size of a pea, cannot achieve what a brain the size of a melon can!!

Thought about being a stand up comedienne for zombies, but when they eat you alive, they really eat you!!

Nate shook his head with a crooked grin. "You haven't gone Back to the Future, McFly.

Like a good-looking John Merrick, mine was a face that looked really shit.

Get down, ' Bunty says grimly. 'Mummy's thinking.' (Although what Mummy's actually doing is wondering what it would be like if her entire family was wiped out and she could start again.)

Cuba may be the only place in the world where you can be yourself and more than yourself at the same time

With a roof over his head he had ceased to work, living off his [war] pension and his wits, both hopelessly inadequate.

A funny yet interesting read, Will Self knowa his stuff and must do a lot of deep research.

Has anyone sen Mr Snark " "I saw him in the tunnel about 15 minutes ago." "Oh no " wailed Dr Ferman "he will have been atomised." "Oh dear" muttered an MP. "Bye-election.

I'm so lucky to have a family, adopted or not! I'm so lucky to be alive!" Judy Ellis Taylor tells her three school-age girls.... They roll their eyes.

In the yard of the inn, Daffy Cadwaladyr introduced himself. "Short for Davyd, " he said pleasantly.The Londoner looked as if she'd never heard a sillier name in her life.

Necessity is a mother.

Here's a health to our Captain, so gallant and freeWhether stuck on a rock or asleep 'neath a treeOr rolled in the arms of some nymph of the seaWhich is where we would all like to be, man!

Mrs. Trotter made a sincere though wrong sound, while opening her handbag to look for help.

There's a hero in all of us, it merely needs the right incentive.

[a]nd the Pig Man came in from Waitomo and swore that if Louisa didn't marry him he'd damn well vote Labour at the next ele

Nothing more likely, "said Hannasyde. "I've got to try and rattle him.""It's him that'll do the rattling, "said the Sergeant darkly. "he's the nearest thing to a snake I've seen outside of the Zoo.

Lucas took a tentative sip of his coffee. It tasted like an otter had pissed in a tea urn and it had been left to go stale over a prolonged period.

The worst case of discrimination can be witnessed in music. Imagine calling B 'sharp' in presence of D 'minor

I could say the last of my doubts about taking the house vanished right there, but it wouldn’t be true. They did, however, close their suitcases and check the bus schedule.