Humour Quotes

You ask me why I write. You might as well ask me why I breathe. I need oxygen to feed my body and ink to feed my soul.

I’m subject to occasional theological nightmares. The one that leaves me in a cold sweat every time is, I arrive at the pearly gates and the first thing I’m asked is where I went to college.

To steel yourself against mangoes showed a degree of iciness that was almost inhuman.

Of all funny things, truth is the funniest.

Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drown in a book. Whatever works.

it seems politicians projected the powerful brand called Ambedkar, rather than his ideologies. Like the ad says 'name is enough.

If you were given the chance to be reborn after your death, buy you could only come back as a squirrel, would you complain?

They were Siamese twins, joined at the groin by a traitorous piece of meat.

And she gave him a melting smile, the glutinous sweetness of which he devoured with the avidity of a diabetic who swallows a fatal spoonful of jam.

Consider the simple hedgehog, and his neighbor, the opossum...do they waste their energy trying to throw one another into chasms when they face a common enemy, the winter? No!

The main causes for divorceare marriages.

On the sixth day god created man, on the seventh day man created god.Now we are even.

Did god make man too perfect, So that a piece has to be removedthrough circumcision?

So I needed to be womanised. I was losing my sheen.

She wore a lot of gray-green corduroy. She had been under the impression that it brought out her eyes, those shy stars.

The turkeys I eat are raised on farms. They're different. They've signed on the dotted line.

Life is a windowless room in the Hotel Bellevue.

Honestly, if you're looking for love and you're not too choosy, hang around a hardware store fingering screws.

Yes. She’s correct. We’re not friends. We are lufenes actually. But she’s had an overdose of magic, which has seemingly rendered her empathetically impotent.

Exceed expectations" is such a lispy term. I hope that it never infiltrates the bedroom or sport.

Don’t know if it’s good or bad that a Google search on “Big Bang Theory” lists the sitcom before the origin of the Universe

Once upon a time, there was a Zen signat every small railway crossing in AmericaStop. Look. And listen.

I don't have a thing, " Tengo said, "except my soul.""Sounds like a job for Mephistopheles, " she said.

People who say you can't do something should be ignored. They're probably talking to themselves.

You don’t get rich writing science fiction. If you want to get rich, you start a religion.

And then this happened. And then this other thing happened. Oh, and I almost forgot to tell you about the time this happened. I should've had this book over for a cup of coffee and a chat.

It is much harder than you might think to show people your bottom.

Shigure: G'morning.Tohru: Good mo

Everyone’s face is odd, because we only get one.

You shouldn't panic so much, " Siris said. "You'll never be a good thief if you panic.

Furious and wild with fear, the potatoes flailed the air with their leaves and stamped their roots, but obviously this got them nowhere.

Eye Amost Evr Spel Ah Werd Wong Annymoe, sinc eye goat alto pel

The old who refuse to die merely on principle live on forever, to hate life and complain of all the things they could have been spared had they the good sense to die young.

In some cases, it is the woman’s stomach—not her heart—that has left her man for another.

Peace and gladness in every home is a peace for the society, nation and the world.

You do not respond to a mosquito bite with a hammer.

I just think the world ought to be more sort of organized.''That's just fantasy, ' said Twoflower.'I know. That's the trouble.' Rincewind sighed again.

Matt shrugged. It was a good shrug, too. All it was missing was a beret, a stripy shirt and a Gauloise cigarette.

Memory is like a box of chocolates. They disappear quickly.

There exists a microscopic breed of brain beetle, commonly known as an ‘idea’. An idea desires only one thing: To catch the perfect brain wave.

Fear of new ideas breeds angry head spiders that have been known to attack.

If we all learnt cat-speak, we would often find they are saying, “You stupid human, I am trying to tell you something important right now!

*Prostitution* is a euphemism for rape incidents that the victim and the economy profits from.

A bunch of bad songs, make an awful whine.

The shades of colours are splendid.

I know about dance, like the creationist knows about science, and typically treat it with a similar contempt

Attracting musicians is rather like inviting flies over to tea: they are tolerable for half an hour, but when they begin to touch the food, you either wish they would go home or die.

Shame on you. Don't tell me you've been married for an hour and you've already got eyes for another woman.

For me to forgive my ex, he would have to sign a marriage contract with his tears and seal it with his blood.

If I was meant to be controlled, I would have come with a remote.