Humorous Quotes

I love you as I do all - not at all.

So, your god is the only god? Okay, but then, so is my dog.

Weakness is weaker when discovered by others.

Don't ask for a girl's hand in marriage and forget to ask for her leg too.

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Super Bowl Sunday" "Lost in a Roman wilderness of pain-and all the children are insane.-" The Doors

You just wanted to walk in front of me so I'd have to stare at your butt

As the nicknames get shorter, people come closer.

He was king, if he didn’t have enemies he wasn’t doing it right.

My mind ran over everything that had happened lately, and running on such thoughts made even my feet hurt.

This is unacceptable! We’re English, damn it! We know how to build things where they shouldn't be! - Governor Dewar

My sister says she never seems to get it together . . . either her rear looks good or her face does.

I wanted to marry her when I saw the moonlight shining on the barrel of her father's shotgun.

I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?

Father giving advice to son: Never do anything once around the house that you don't want to do for the rest of your life.

Marriage is like a violin. After the beautiful music is over the strings are still attached.

My husband will never chase another woman. He's too fine too decent too old.

Never get married in the morning because you never know who you'll meet that night.

When my wife was asked "Do you take this man for richer or poorer . . ." she answered "For richer."

"So you want to become my son-in-law." "Not exactly. I just want to marry your daughter."

I remember when I got married. I remember where I got married. But for the life of me I can't remember why I got married.

American women expect to find in their husbands a perfection that English women only hope to find in their butlers.

Behind every successful man you'll find a woman who has nothing to wear.

A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item she doesn't want.

A man should be taller older heavier uglier and hoarser than his wife.

Men like cars women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.

A secretary must think like a man act like a lady look like a girl and work like a dog.

Before I started working here I drank smoked and used bad language. Thanks to this job I now have good reason.

If you talk to God you are praying if God talks to you you have schizophrenia.

B.I.B.L.E. = Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.

I didn't want to pray to God 'cause I didn't want him to know where I was.

Leisure time is when your wife can't find you

I've always been well liked. I was so popular in school everybody hated me.

There are no perfect people - except of course my wife's first husband.