Humorous Quotes

Uncle Drew shouts. “You are a disgrace. Your mother should have swallowed.

It was the ship of dreams to everyone else.

Anything can happen in Hollywood, even good things.

If life takes you long way, take a shortcut!

My life is measured into two distinct phases . . . BC is before cellulite and AC is for after cellulite. Sad but so true!

Consistently sporadic and sporadically consistent. That's me.

Do not argue with a spuse who is packing your parachute.

The closest I ever came to a near death experience was living in LA.

It ain’t whatcha write, it’s the way atcha write it.

Life without risks is like a burrito without Tabasco. Bland, but you’ll still fart.

6 Reasons Why You Should Be A Cat: 1) Free Food. 2) Free Rent. 3) Sleep As Long As You Want. 4) Look Great With No Effort. 5) Toes Look Like Beans. 6) License to Kill!

You know your life is completely screwed up when you have to look up the mythological figures who talk to you in the bathroom mirror.

Common sense is only irritating in other people

If dat ghost have money, I tells him never to haunt you less'n he wants to lose it!

Sir Humphrey looked like a sleepy old hippo -- and when he yawned in that big, big, hippopotamus way Charity couldn't help doing likewise.

If you constantly make it clear that you are unwilling to budge, don't get upset when no one is around who's willing to give you a push.

you'll accomlish more with a kind word and a gun, than you will with a kind word alone.

I'm turning into an old man. I own four pairs of oxfords, my stories get a little long winded, and my neighbors play their music too loud.

She meant to write: "Is Christy here yet?"Auto Correct turned it into: "Is crazy here yet?"For once Auto Correct got it right.

I mean. You put puppies in a store front, I will stop and giddily stare. Every. Single. Time.

You know you're officially an adult when you finally understand WHY Miss Hannigan was drinking bath water.

Q: Best part about being a musical theatre book writer?A: Explaining what that is.

Just because I have shoes on is no sign that I am walking.

If I were to be honest, I'm probably fifty percent bagel. Okay, fine, sixty percent.

You should see the murderous stares I get on the street. Though I think that has less to do with seeing a man carrying a purse and more to do with paisley. Paisley makes everyone cranky.

Podtyagin considers whether to take offence or not -- and decides to take offence.

While a kind man was working up the nerve to ask me on a date, I was working up the nerve to kill him with my bare hands

The main difference between a lawyer and a prostitute is that a prostitute won't screw you after you're dead.

We need to mask your scent.” If stranger words had come out of his mouth, she hadn’t heard them. But then it clicked. “The thing can smell me.”And it did get a good whiff at the house

This book is visceral like how your small intestine is visceral

They want your sons.”“My–? But I don’t… ew!

If all else fails, stop drop and roll..works for me..:)

What's more, he was going to have a full American breakfast with bacon and eggs, none of this continental bullshit.

Stop crying. You're giving archangels everywhere a bad name.

You would more probably have gone to the guillotine, ' replied Sir Tristram, depressingly matter of

This country would get along much better if people learned how to suffer in silence.

I may not be perfect, but God knows I'm trying . . . and God knowing should count for something.

How bad could things be if my hair was neat?

Among wilderness survival tips, punching a wild animal in the face probably isn’t on a checklist.

I apply for a new job twice a week, every week. I am applying for the position of millionaire but so far my numbers haven't come up.

Are you on crack? Or did I take a righteous bong hit before coming here?

Instead of hopping around like a wild in'jun on fire, try counting from 10 backwards while hopping on one foot".

Sharks to not eat Chinese people because they get hungry thirty minutes later".

[Showing the apartment to Tiziano ]MARLEEN WALKER: “Let me alert you that animals are banned in this building.”TIZIANO CONTI: “Am I breaking the law right now?

I’m looking for mushrooms. Giant ones, specifically of the deadly poisonous variety.”“How come?”“Monday is Teacher Appreciation Day, and I was thinking of making a nice quiche for Miss Keener.

I'm not afraid of you!' The wombat yelled. 'I saw you get stuck in the washing machine once. Round and round you went! Who's afraid of something that can't defeat a rinse cycle?

There were pecans, there were cashews and then there was just plain nuts.

People who talk too much are tiresome, especially those who are not informative, thought-provoking, or funny.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Ferguson Riots" They were ready to tear America to shreds over their grief-right until the TV cameras left to cover the football games.

I have to tell you the truth. But you are too ugly for it.