Humor Quotes
I don’t think you’re going to start a riot, but until you prove you have more survival instincts than a seriously stressed out lemming, you’ll stay at the bar.
Our whole family thrives under pressure. It's like our family motto or something.Apart from my brother Peter, of course. He had a nervous break down. But the rest of us.
Your job is obviously very pressured.""I thrive under pressure, " I explain. Which is true. I've known that about myself ever since...Well. Ever since my mother told me when I was about 8.
My behavior last night was poor.""Poor?" Agatha coughed. "You pushed me through a window!
A rich person is just a poor person with a crown and elaborate clothing, and a poor person is just a rich person with a crownless head and ragged clothing.
You know it’s the 21st Century when someone TEXTS you from the washroom to ask you to bring them a roll of toilet paper.
Water IS the most important element on the face of the earth, because without water, there would be no WINE and without WINE I would be living in a PADDED CELL!
How is it that food STILL contains calories that make you gain weight in the 21st CENTURY?! It’s like scientists aren’t even trying!
After all, I was dressed in linen and so retained a certain capacity for nonchalance.
It's okay to keep a broken oven in your yard as long as you call it art.
It’s nice to have a station pet. Wish it wasn’t trapped in a hovering prison in the men’s bathroom, but listen: no pet is perfect. It becomes perfect when you learn to accept it for what it is.
I was accused of always acting superior. Always means being, not acting.
Don't mind her. She keeps her nose so high in the air, she's liable to drown in a good rainstorm.
Well, it's not easy to find something that you do not know exists.
One character all messages had in common was vague generality. "Fly away with me, " a tussie-mussie might suggest, but never "Meet me at the railway depot at six-thirty.
Are you sure you weren't adopted?""Mom would like to think so, but it was a natural birth, so her memory's real clear.
The past you lost is just like a dream. As you woke up new lifestarts. So, your actual birthday will be your death day.
Jesse reached into a bottom drawer and brought out a bottle of... oh, hey, single-malt scotch. Some SOFs did know how to live.
I want a new liver to replace my heart.""Um, why?""Because then I could drink more and care less.
In the eleventh century obese English king William the Conqueror took to bed and consumed nothing but alcohol to shed pounds, a practice many of his countrymen seem to continue to this day.
Now, my intention was to drink just enough to dull the senses, but intentions should never be mixed with alcohol.
When a man is on the road to power he buys everyone a drink. Once elected he tries to close the saloons.
You always miss 100% of the shots you don't order
I have a question. Is it okay to drink while you're pregnant...if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?
My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity I had stolen.
If you want to keep your dignity intact, stay away from tequila.
I believe in 'Positives' not Negatives the only thing about Alcohol I'm Powerless over is those Damn Taxes
Sometimes, I wondered if I might speed up his words by grabbing his wrists and finishing his gestures for him.
He spoke in a trembling voice that didn’t seem to be entirely in sync with the movement of his lips. That’s because sound travels slower in halitosis.
If you plug in a number and the math starts getting creepy (anything involving fractions or negative numbers is creepy)...
See appendix A for a proof that Winston Churchill was a carrot.
...I guess I can put two and two together.""Sometimes the answer's four, " I said, "and sometimes it's twenty-two...