Humor Quotes
They tell you the devil is in the details…what they don’t tell you is that he’s laughing maniacally.
They say you can judge a person by their book, but I say they will hide under the covers.
What happened when the Verb asked the noun to conjugate? She said "no-no!", forgot the "o" and decided to become a nun!
if any of your body parts become detached due to an unfortunate encounter with a crank, I highly advise you leave said body part behind and run like hell. Unless it's a leg, of course.
Water is the most essential element in life, because without it you can't make coffee.
Wisdom of the Ages: "President's Day" One allowed the Federal Reserve and one got lead. One got a city and the other got dead.
Wisdom of the Ages: "Government" Like a mafia protection racket-without the protection.
He was my age and in my imagination he was a fireman, not the kind that actually fights fires but the kind who travels the country shirtless posing for calendars.
I don't know what effect these men will have upon the enemy, but, by God, they frighten me.
Wisdom of the Ages "News People" Always joking around and happy. I guess that proves that ignorance really is bliss.
Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Tom Brady's balls" Nothing more than a publicity stunt to keep the NFL Network from losing San Francisco's market share.
Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Unger Games" If your meals depend on you beating the Seahawks, you're gonna go "'Unger-y.
Special Post-Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Eating Crow" This year, it just tastes like Seahawk.
Wisdom of the Ages: "Skull and Bones" A secret society of spoiled twits whose apparent purpose in life is littering the landscape with as many as possible.
Wisdom of the Ages: "Tooth Fairy" Growing up in the Northwest was tough. For years I thought the Tooth Fairy was a big boat with cars and sharp teeth.
Wisdom of the Ages: "The Pope and Congress" It looks as if confidence in the American voter to exorcise the demons in the Capitol has completely fallen through.
Wisdom of the Ages: "Soylent Green" No matter how many times I see that movie, I still get a hankerin' for a Big Mac.
I like to go to Starbucks and watch the intellectuals. I observe them and their intellectualness. They in turn observe me drinking coffee and being a creeper.
This is unacceptable! We’re English, damn it! We know how to build things where they shouldn't be!" - Governor Dewar
I check every can of Barbasol I buy for dinosaur embryos. I haven't found any yet, as evidenced by the lack of T-Rex screams in my apartment.
I do not do free e-books. I occasionally like to eat that thing you people call "food".
I would rather write a book without a title if my true friend chooses to live in a million dollar home in London and acts foreign.
I’d like to THANK whoever saw a bunch of cherries and thought....HEY!! If I dry out a bunch of those berry seeds, call them “BEANS”, smash them and add hot water, it will be AWESOME!
If you want to convince a criminal to see things your way, start by seeing things theirs.
If Shane had learned one thing, it was to never tamper with a firecracker during an explosion. That stood double when applied to women – especially when you were the idiot who’d lit the fuse.
She meant to write: "Is Christy here yet?"Auto Correct turned it into: "Is crazy here yet?"For once Auto Correct got it right.
I mean. You put puppies in a store front, I will stop and giddily stare. Every. Single. Time.
You know you're officially an adult when you finally understand WHY Miss Hannigan was drinking bath water.
Q: Best part about being a musical theatre book writer?A: Explaining what that is.
If I were to be honest, I'm probably fifty percent bagel. Okay, fine, sixty percent.
I apply for a new job twice a week, every week. I am applying for the position of millionaire but so far my numbers haven't come up.
Instead of hopping around like a wild in'jun on fire, try counting from 10 backwards while hopping on one foot".
The afternoon's glory was tainted by the voice on the other end. "I was so very sorry not to have the pleasure of meeting you, Mr. Haines. You're not living up to your part of the bargain.
There were many, many debts to be paid before she left Rifthold and took back her throne. Starting now. Fortunate that she was in a killing sort of mood.
They all laughed when I said I'd become a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
Oh, I didn't think it wise to hide it. Might not be able to find it again, " I say, cheerily. "It's sitting in plain view on your chair in the great hall. I do hope that was the best place for it.
I've decided that I'm going to collect as many spiders in a jar as I can and then pour them all over you, William Flecter. Seeing as how it's good to face your fears.
