Humor Quotes
If bliss are a type of potato, then ignorance can be french-fried
I’m tired of ignorance held up as inspiration, where vicious anti-intellectualism is considered a positive trait, and where uninformed opinion is displayed as fact.
I hate stupidity, but what I hate even more is when people actually brag about it.
I’m now ‘Doctor’ to the patients and I have to cover my ignorance by waving my arms and looking grave.
I don't respect thinking that is dangerous, prejudicial, childish, and could get me killed.
On the other hand, when you grow up you will discover that some of the people in this world never passed beyond the stage of the cave-man.
This is why we can't have nice things...
Mothering Oxymoron: Reminding the kids to not talk with food in their mouths, yet I have food in my mouth while trying to correct them in the moment.
Why did you throw sand when I just told you not to?"What child says, "Hmm, why did I? I guess there's no good reason. Thanks for pointing that out. It won't happen again.
I would be the first to admit that my maternal instincts are not well developed--though in defense I must add that the raising of Ramses would have discouraged any woman.
I need to work on developing a new, less irritable personality. though I suspect that an empty nest would be at least a partial cure, today I resorted to substance abuse.
Like I tell our kids, 'Your Mom isn't always right and I'm not always right. But together, WE'RE ALWAYS right!
Over time, parents have barnacled the most routine activities in infancy with their own preoccupations. It's sometimes hard to see the baby for all the barnacles.
If your kids are the generation Y there are only two things you parents are worried about..What your daughters are uploading on the internet and what your sons are downloading from the internet
Maggie had learned a long time ago that each day with a child was filled with two kinds of battles: those that won the war, and those that did not.
If you raise a daughter to be both independent and an excellent marksman, you have to accept the fact that your control over her actions is at an end.
too much alcohol hampers people's ability to parent. That's why I've chosen to remain childless.
He was afraid to pick up the baby. If he touched it, it might bond with him or something. Or he might leave fingerprints all over it.
We’re gonna do like Posh and Becks and call it after the place it was conceived.”“Where’s that?” I asked.“King of Prussia.
Jokes about butts WORKED.
Take any two-year-old through a car wash and their skulls are blown. FLAPS! FOAM! ROLLING THINGS! It's the closest they'll ever get to being inside a working spaceship.
(Da) "Sorry, Son, what was that? I was too busy ignoring you."(Later) "Sorry, Son, I missed that, " Ma said. "Ignoring you can be a full-time job.
If I hear any more loud voices, you will both be auctioned off on eBay. I could use the extra money.
In that day, we didn't have no remote controls and vacuum cleaners. If you wanted all that stuff you had children!
You lied to me, ” she said. “I omitted information.” He paused. “Which may be just as deplorable.
If I had seen pictures of people eating each other on the wall, I would've told him I was into cannibalism.
...but I’d learned a long time ago that the worse things are, the more people lie about them.
Is food a substitute for love? No, love is a substitute for food. And a pretty poor substitute at that.
I finally figured out the big, elusive secret to weight loss. Don't eat! Who knew?
If you are able to introduce a white person to a new cheese, it's like introducing them to a future spouse.
I act delighted, but I have zero interest in these Capitol people. They are only distractions from the food.
If we are going to start calling industrial corn sustainable, then we might as well say that petroleum is a renewable resource if you're willing to wait long enough.
It has long been my motto that if you cannot get your act together... then the very least you can do is try to make your act entertaining.
Daddy, how come in Kansas City the bagels taste like just round bread?
always serve too much hot fudge sause on the hot fudge sundaes.It makes people overjoyed, and puts them in your debt
Chocolate cured just about everything, but being a crocodile's chew-toy was on a whole other level.