Funny Quotes

Well, I think Leo's either going to learn a much needed lesson in social activity-- or go nuts and kill us all." -Crash

We don't have dealings. He just stalks me. I'm popular like that.

I'm sorry I missed the meeting and hurt your little feely-weels okay?

Hello, Mrs. Tran...I have David's homework. And if you ever want to see it again, you'll pay me the two million dollars I asked for.

Owr brave little shank!

You mean you don't want to come in and hold my hand while I piss?

We both want you dead. I'm bringing the friendship bracelets to the next meeting.

I understand that you don’t want to marry me, ” I said. “I mean, I don’t know why, since I’m simply delightful to be around. But to each his own taste.

So the reason I was struck again and again was because of my overwhelmingly positive energy. Funny, I'd always thought of myself as a pessimist.

Yeah, it's a kodak moment. Quick, take a picture.Sarah scoffs. I stick my tongue out at her.

You know what? We need a recession in this country, because that would finaly weed out al the subnormal, underdeveloped, stupefied, puerile people in this workforce.

Well, I did tell you I couldn’t give you a thing. Maybe you’ve just realised that Alistair can give the god damn world, and the pleasure of kissing his shiny slap-head every day!

Kyle, you are a mellow dude...You can’t be with an agitator. And that’s what she is. An agitator. She’s a Jackson Pollock and you’re a Thomas Kinkade.

Kate giggled. “Excellent choice.”“I always make excellent choices.”“I don’t know about that.”“Of course I do. I picked ye, didn’t I?

I mean emotionally, women are like Bruce Lee and we’re like Donald Duck. An’ I think a lotta guys are afraid of that.

I suppose when you say you slept with him, it was more than just a nap?"Lillian shot her a withering glance. "Daisy, don’t be a pea wit.

I was shy, ” said six-foot-one of bashful male. He grunted as a sharp, feminine elbow thudded inconspicuously into his side.

Do you think ladies’ eyebrows can communicate as well?” she asked.“No, they don’t have sufficient thicketry, ” he said with authority.“Thicketry?”“Yes, that is the official term.

Lord Carradice managed to look wicked, smug, and saintly, all at the same time.

To die famous is the goal of the immortal. To die young is the goal of the healthy. To die memorably is the goal of the survivor.

I’m much more than a writer – I’m someone who puts different words together in an interesting way.

When I write, it feels like there are two little creatures that sit on each of my shoulders. One whispers, "You can do this. You've got what it takes." The other sounds like my mother-in-law.

Let's play Russian roulette. If you win, I give you a Colombian necktie.

I hear Mr. Palmer tell Hannah that it was an electrical fault. Five arsonists in one school and it ends up being something so technically boring.

I got mixed up with some oddness in my youth, and the long and short of it is that I can't shuffle off this mortal coil until I have read the ten most boring classics.

It's called the Infinity Effect.

As I reflect on all my friends and colleagues in my life on this special occasion... Mother is only half the word that immediately comes to mind.

I made a noise of disgust, and I think I would have stormed out if I knew how to open the door.

I get a kick out of cursing people for life on Sundays.

Ask your wife for forgiveness, even when you’re right.

The easiest way to be the prettiest girl at a party is to rig the guest list.

She complains that I'm lazy, but I just like to save my energy for dinner.

When I was young, I believed God was a woman because I couldn't come up with any other explanation as to why the universe was so tidy.

A man who boasts he's the head of the home must never forget the woman is the knife at his throat.

It was 10:30 in the morning and I was already running behind. This is hardly unusual, but it pisses me off every single time.

We are all copy cats. The only original 'thing' is God, And "him", hell, most of us know as little as we know cats.

I shall tell you about God once you've reached your imaginary heaven. Then, give me a call.

I know I really shouldn't be complaining right now,

Well, I've got tomorrow morning off, so I thought I might spend that thinking about her. Basically, my plan is to maybe just romantically obsess over her but not really do anything about it.

If You Lose Your Keys, At Least It's Better Than Losing Your Car.

When it's all said and done remember, "You are only as old as you look.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Unsuccessful pick-up lines" 'My parole ends today, let's celebrate!

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Unger Games" If your meals depend on you beating the Seahawks, you're gonna go "'Unger-y.

Special Post-Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Eating Crow" This year, it just tastes like Seahawk.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Tooth Fairy" Growing up in the Northwest was tough. For years I thought the Tooth Fairy was a big boat with cars and sharp teeth.

I check every can of Barbasol I buy for dinosaur embryos. I haven't found any yet, as evidenced by the lack of T-Rex screams in my apartment.

I do not do free e-books. I occasionally like to eat that thing you people call "food".

Kind of a bummer, getting your butt kicked by a dead guy.

Jersey cows, ” Eva explained after Jac complimented the luxurious taste. “The butter and cream here are better than anywhere in the world.”“Not that we’re prejudiced, ” Theo teased.

Marriage is the equivalent of trying to live with a bug perpetually up your nose.”D’Artagnan Bloodhawke