Funny Quotes

I don’t think I’m crazy, but then again, define crazy.

I was performing my ritual of sipping tea, shooting flirtatious glances and planning murder

You tell your brother he's gonna pay for that car in silver.

What are you? The pregnant MacGyver?” “Best compliment I’ve had in a while.

Oh, a grenade. But where is the bamboo bazooka?

All he'd done was lose her underwear and practically get her blown up.Hell. This had to be the absolute worst first date of her life.

Liza took her time sipping her tea. “That’s what I hear Janet. Of course, living it up can take years off your life and add them to your face.

My brain fizzles. The 'this is your brain on drugs' warning, should also issue a 'this is your brain when Jackson Reid looks at you like that, ' warning.

I had a dream that I was in someone else’s shoes for once…they were the wrong size.

Antonio, " Ash groaned, "you know I hate it when you eat at my desk." "I know, " Antonio replied, "but I don't mind and so long as one of us is reasonable, I figured why not?

While death is sadly inevitable, our grief will soon pass like a swallowed penny through one’s bowels.Painful change just takes time.

I once told him that the best way to break up a fight is to step between the two people and start singing ancient folk songs. But I’d never heard of anyone actually doing such a thing.

Sierra, it's Christmastime. Put a stupid mistletoe over his head and kiss him already!

The door opens with a rusted jingle, and an animatronic Santa insults my moral virtue three times. Ho, ho, ho.

America is still AmeriKKKa. rather we like it or not

I’m sure I look a wreck. But he’s the one who wrecked me so he may as well take a good long look at what he’s done.

There are so many people out there that will tell you that you can't. What you've got to do is turn around and say "Watch me!

Love has a way of making the sane insane and the insane normal.

She'd been pounding her location and thoughts into a device that would send those things to virtually any human with Internet access and yet looking over her shoulder had been a violation of privacy.

Celaena?” Sam asked into the dark. “Should I worry about going to sleep?”She blinked, then laughed under her breath. At least Sam took her threats somewhat seriously.

Of course I wasn't abused. If I were

To tell you the truth. I am a wild and passionate novelist. I am therefore easily given over to telling wild and passionate lies.

Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with a car. Throw you off a bridge so high, Hope you break your neck and die.

Is that a rule? Do you have a rule that you can’t kiss people in the morning?

I got my heart checked, report says it's perfectly normal, there is no trace of love in it

Love is a damagemade to the heart, violence, fate thats written, Changeable by distance, Breakable by time...!

I know you haven't burned down any buildings in a while, " she said, "but if you start feeling the need...

The very last thing I needed was fire burning through my palms.

Wine is to women as duct tape is to men - it fixes everything

Who in the universe halts when the enemy tells them to?

And the Lady's mate. Despite having only two legs and small fangs, there was much that was feline in that one, and he approved.

I have a Siamese twin cat. It's got 2 heads and 18 lives.

I've got a Siamese cat. It has 2 heads and 18 lives.

Bluestar's coming on patrol? Watch out for flying hedgehogs!

When Johnny Depp saw it, he was so excited he fluffed up to twice his normal size.

You can call me Grandpa, if that does it for you.

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Patriot Act" In theater and football, it's the last act before it's curtains for Seahawks opponents.

You seem to be holding up rather well under the burden of the world's troubles. How do you do it?

Instead of stocks investors should invest in blankets, that way they’ll at least have something to keep them warm after they’ve lost all their money when the company goes under.

You know you are a human when a beautiful image appearing on television/computer/smartphone/tab screen appears more alive than a living being.Basically, we are stupid.

Were one to call your stupid ism good, well then, one would either be equally idiotic, or a fool, or no good.

You fellows are amazing, ' the sweaty cook roared over the stoves. 'Everything happens to you only. Each time you come here, you have a new adventure story to entertain us

Nothing is worth having if it isn't worth showing off…

There are so many other fun ways to dishonor the family name that buying girls’ underwear shouldn’t be one of them.

My wife was saying to me just the other day how she's noticed a spring in my step lately. That was because I thought you were gone forever.' 'I missed you too, Thurid.

I feel pretty sure I know why the dinosaurs went extinct. They were waiting for Sam to pick out a cell phone case.

Girls like good-looking guys, and I am not very good-looking. In fact, I sort of look like a pudding

No one cares how long you kept yourself virgin and how loyal you are, everyone is looking for a hole to play with.

I’ve often been criticised, but never critically wounded

There is no spoon.