Funny Quotes

I needed something else, some kind of juice.He gave me a hooked-eyebrow glance and took a showy swig of the water. Mmm, he said, smacking his lips. Water-juice. It's fantastic.

I used to wonder why I had hair on my legs, but now I know it's for my toddler sons and daughters to pull themselves up off the ground with as I scream in pain.

Money, Gun and Lie can solve almost all the problems.

Ala!" Echo sprang to her feet, legs tangled in the sheets. The Ala was here. The Ala had brought food. The Ala was a goddess

I love Pizza thicker, when the crust is thinner!

When in doubt, know your way out, I always say.""I thought you always said, 'When in doubt, blame the dark elves.'""Well, yeah, that

It’s delicious like my favorite treat! It’s definitely good to eat!

The whole point of straws, I had thought, was that you did not have to set down the slice of pizza to suck a dose of Coke while reading a paperback.

These are the best things I've ever had in my mouth!

Silas consumed only one food, and it was not bananas.

I unwrapped my love for her like one might unwrap leftovers. Gotta eat up the old stuff first, as a cannibal might say in a retirement home.

There you are. A simple commandment. Not ten of them, just one: 'Thou shalt not eat.' (Personally, I wish the very first edict from God hadn't involved dieting, don't you?)

What smells good may not always taste good, I leaned this the day I tried to eat a scented candle.

I don't have a car."His eyes sliced into mine. "I walked here, " I explained. "I'm on foot.""Angel, " he said in a way that sounded like he sincerely hoped I was joking.

Do you think they're going to buy that a guy in tacky leather chaps dances like this?" I scoffed when he twirled me back into his emb

Wanted: Steel toed Bible thumpers to reach a monster truck mad world.

Sometimes you just gotta wear the tinfoil hat.

Beneath the people we think we are, there are funnier, happier, livelier people that we keep ignoring.

I was beginning to think that Simon just had a bad case of OCD, ADD, and PMS. With a little BS and OMG mixed in.

I study men like I study books: I skim their midsections.

The choices that women make sometimes seems provoking and at the same time amusing. I once met a lady who said she liked my amusing facial expression.

Frankly, the only good people who I know are dogs.

Checked thoroughly, humans stink.

Offstage, I couldn't put things into words, and that was the one thing I'd always been able to rely on. Putting my feelings into words and praying they wouldn't be able to get out again.

God is Santa Claus for Grown-Ups.

All your Western theologies, the whole mythology of them, are based on the concept of God as a senile delinquent

I'm a born-again atheist.

It’s possible to be flippant here, when Jihadists fly aircraft into buildings they shout God is Great, what do atheists shout when they do it?

The Church being what she is cannot have the instincts of a gentleman.

A woman is like an egg salad sandwich on a hot Texas day.

A woman who is praying and a woman who is having fun, they both say " Oh My God", the only difference is how they pronounce it.

Push my buttons, and I'll push you off a bridge.

Behind every successful man, is a Woman breathing through her mouth

We all men want a bad girl friend, but a good wife.

He returned my smile with a half grin. "So what do you blog about? Knitting? Puzzles? Being lonely?

I surround myself with books when I write, thus surrounding myself with writers... only they don't critique me and then get up for coffee.

So? I know lots of beautiful women. Nova wanted to chase... I merely obliged her by running.

I'm a guy. Unless the dirt attacks first, I leave it in peace.

Yes! Yes! There's the attitude. Where was that girl during the race? Off getting sushi?

Thank you. For being willing to talk. For not turning me in. For... being you.''I'm pretty good at being me, ' I said. 'I've had all these years to practice--I hardly ever get it wrong these days.

In the morning, people have a plan for that day. Hardworking people think of what they will do during the day, and idle people on what they should do.

Oh, God, if I'm anything by a clinical name, I'm a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I think people are plotting to make me happy.

I feel a strange sensation brewing inside of me. It tickles my throat and forces my lips into a grin. Before I can stifle it, I giggle. And then I laugh.

That awkward moment when you realize someone was actually home the whole time you were singing on the tops of your lungs.

Theologians should study in a seminary and before graduating they should make a visit to heaven and hell after which they should submit their thesis and graduate.

If heaven was created only for the most stupid clown, then Mr Bean could have been the only righteous man on earth.

Balls to ten minutes.

She had yet to actually call him by his real name. The psychologist in him had all kinds of theories as to why. The man in him wanted to hear her say it. Just once.

This was sharing office space with wacko and bordering on ludicrous.

No tricks, Syn, ” Ryder growled from where he stood a few feet away.“Tricks are for kids, silly rabbit, ” I said