Funny Inspirational Quotes

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

If we threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

God gives us our relatives – thank God we can choose our friends.

Men's natures are alike; it is their habits that separate them.

So the writer who breeds more words than he needs, is making a chore for the reader who reads.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.

Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it.

The marvelous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing.

Mark my words, when a society has to resort to the lavatory for its humour, the writing is on the wall.

That lad must have been born offside.

I spend a lot of time reading.

Be bold. If you're going to make an error, make a doozy, and don't be afraid to hit the ball.

Don't be concerned about others not appreciating you. Be concerned about your not appreciating others.

Each year India and China produce four million graduates compared with just over 250,000 in Britain.

It's important to just kind of get away from your sport until you miss it. It's about taking time to enjoy other aspects of life or learn new things. It helps rejuvenate.

Seven days without laughter makes one weak.

I'm glad I don't play anymore. I could never learn all those handshakes.

Don't take life too seriously.

Water, water, everywhere, And all the boards did shrink; Water, water, everywhere, Nor any drop to drink.

Most people fail in life because they major in minor things.

Something feels funny. I must be thinking too hard.

I'm stronger than I think I am. Mentally, physically.

I don't want to be put on a pedestal. I want to be known as a nice and normal person, but my skills are a little more excelled.

Plant a radish, get a radish, never any doubt. That's why I love vegetables, you know what they're about!

I buy expensive suits - they just look cheap on me.

Most software today is very much like an Egyptian pyramid with millions of bricks piled on top of each other, with no structural integrity, but just done by brute force and thousands of slaves.

My life has a superb cast, but I cannot figure out the plot.

Every minute you spend in planning saves 10 minutes in execution; this gives you a 1,000 percent Return on Energy!

I'm a big health-food freak and a vegetarian devotee.

It is not possible for one to teach others who cannot teach his own family.

It cannot be when the root is neglected that what springs from it will be well ordered.

Make [food] simple and let things taste of what they are.

During job interviews, when they ask: 'What is your worst quality?', I always say: 'Flatulence'. That way I get my own office.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

All good things come to those who wait.

People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.

A mother is the best friend God ever gave.

When everyone thinks alike, no one thinks very much.

Situated in some nebulous distance I do what I do so that the universal balance of which I am a part may remain a balance.

Those who believe they can do something and those who believe they can't are both right.

The state of life is most happy where superfluities are not required and necessities are not wanting.

There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.

I have no interest in sailing around the world. Not that there is any lack of requests for me to do so.

The sea hates a coward.

You don't run 26 miles at five minutes a mile on good looks and a secret recipe.

I guess good things come to those who wait.

I wouldn't be the best offensive player if I didn't have a great setter. She serves me up nectar.

Software sucks because users demand it to.

To many people holidays are not voyages of discovery, but a ritual of reassurance.

When you are down and out something always turns up - and it is usually the noses of your friends.