Comedy Quotes

On the first floor, the first rule of a rumor was humor.

Only criminals and madmen walk into Central Park after midnight...or, occasionally, an actor. (Dark City Lights)

The dimple in his left cheek was ironic-it gave the impression that he was sweet as a cupcake. (Dark City Lights)

We skipped right over Walmart on the ladder down.

At least a hospital stay will give him an excuse to halt the job hunt.

Wow, that was an expensive looking explosion! I can't believe we had that in the budget.

Fozzie Bear: [holds up a photo of Constantine] Check this out![covers the mole]Walter: Oh, look, it's Kermit![Fozzie uncovers the mole]Walter: [shrieks] What did you do with Kermit?

Good thing we weren't here when this happened, " Fred added. "We'd be pancakes - DEAD ones!

Thank God it wasn’t beef jerky, or I might’ve ended up dead." "The President's Neighbor" a comedy script by Brett Bacon.

Cigarette smoke when i didn't ask for it. Never when I did.

I am always doing what I thought I couldn't do, because I might learn something. Henri Marcel - French Artist in Marriage, A Journey and A Dog.

The best kind of comedy to me is when you make people laugh at things they’ve never laughed at, and also take a light into the darkened corners of people’s minds, exposing them to the light.

As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.

Alma didn’t want Isabel to start singing the praises of their pet, a rescue beagle, or she wouldn’t shush until sundown. “I’ve found the missing lady, ” Alma said. “Say welcome home, Betsy Sweet.

You can't draw lines in the sand like that. Humour's a tsunami that doesn't care about your little lines.

Judith (sadly): A change has come over my children of late. I have tried to shut my eyes to it, but in vain. At my time of life one must face bitter facts!

The difference between a man and a woman is whether to ask for directions.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

In summers, after 1 hour of extreme gaming you can use your laptop to iron your shirt.

How do i do this?

Laughter is a whip that keeps us in line. It's horrible to be laughed at against your will. Either you suppress unwelcome laughter or you start controlling it.

Credit Repair Companies feed off your frustrations, and your funds!!! - The Credit Repair Book: The Credit Repair Company's Secret Weapon.

We got there without being spotted. I pulled her in, then shut the door, pressing my back to it and exhaling like an epileptic pilot who'd just landed a cargo plane full of dynamite.

Even as zombies, ridiculous prom gowns were the downfall of teenage girls, crippling them at the knees.

You know, I'm really starting to hate the insect life around here. Next time, remind me to bring a can of Off!

If you don't want me to attend the patient I'll go.''But she can't see a doctor now.''Why not?''She isn't well.

Excuse me, I must go and putt

Morning, Bill, ' said Lord Tidmouth agreeably.'Go to hell!' said Bill.'Right-ho, ' said his lordship.

When you can't make it, just fake it

Laughter is the best medicine

So, to sum up my room-clearing generalizations, men are in comedy to break rules.

Why would a comediotic guy like Buzz Aldrin worry about who said what first? He was on the %$#@!+-oon!

A life without trouble and tragedy is boring and not a plot for comedy.

Listen to Understand. Not to Reply!!!!

Does talking to yourself in the voice of your fictional character count as being social?

If you don't fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working

I went in there only once, as a sane man, and I came out...well, I came out like this. But you, once you come out of there, you'll be a king!

IF A THING IS WORTH HAVING, ITS WORTH CHEATING FOR.

This is the funniest book I’ve ever held in my hands. --Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist and author says about Radical Sabbatical

Smile, it’s the second best thing youcan do with your lips.

He said they've literally set up a camp across the street from the hotel and they have signs and bullhorns and the kind of Christian attitude that makes God puke.

Love? Love is for children and poor people...

I shall now express my utter disgust and anger with you through the piano.

Driving is boring, " Rabbit pontificates, "but it's what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.

If God gives you a hundred bucks, you better bet He’s going to ask you what you bought.

Your full of yourself.""Duhh... genetics man.

Laughter and enjoyment is the key to Entertainment.

Displacement of 'What goes around, comes around' is Zero.

I am a playwright who does not write comedies, or tragedies.

Why is it that drama always starts late? Whereas comedy always seems to have started already.