Comedy Quotes

As the middle child of the Laurel Canyon Adams Family, Whit was surprisingly chill on the subject of ampire-vays.

Oh, so there were angels and demons, but no vampires? No mysterious, super-hot bloodsuckers who would love you forever? Now that was totally unfair.

For most vampires, it's an automatic response - scent blood, fangs drop.

Mom, how come you never go outside?""I told you, I'm a vampire.

I wondered about my inner child. In fact, I was troubled. Did I even have an inner child, I asked myself, given that, in essence, I’d just been born?

I lost something magical in the process of growing up – my disillusionment.

I wouldn’t be caught dead sacrificing myself for this country.

It’s just amazing how long this country has been going to hell without ever having got there.

Analysis is soul of thought and ghost of wit.

You can have a lot of fun with rhinos

This cat is looking at me with judgment.”“He’s not, ” said Jules. “That’s just his face.”“You look at me the same way, ” Mark said, glancing at Julian. “Judgy face.

God (mentally on my knees), if I can just get through this night, I'll come to church. On Christmas. Every fifteen years. For the next fifteen years. So once.

Love is the canvas covering the furniture that you've become a part of

Lia caught sight of it immediately and glared at him. "You gave me your word. You swore you wouldn't tell him.""I'm a mass murderer, " he said pointedly. "Not exactly trustworthy.

One of these days I'm gonna beat him in the face with the butt of my service revolver until an eyeball pops out. These are the thoughts that keep me happy.

Which sort of shows why my body is an idiot, because forced narcolepsy is pretty much the worst defense ever.

You can tell if a person is organized by checking his desktop.

Like, when you kiss him, POW, he gets hit by a bear. Totally not your fault. You shouldn't feel bad about that. It's not your bear.

It is not what they say, but the reaction that tells you everything you need to know.

Laziness is the mother of all bad habits, but ultimately she is a mother and we should respect her

You are a manipulator.I like to think of myself more as an outcome engineer.

The place is also big enough. We could all live there without killing each other." -Rhage"That depends more on your mouth than any floorplan." -Phury

The guy had guts—I had to give him that. Later on I was hoping for a first-hand look at them.

Skul-man!' he exclaimed as he rushed forward to shake his hand. 'Last I heard you were trapped on a dead world overrun by evil trans-dimensional superfiends!' Skulduggery nodded. 'Just got back.

Without pride, man becomes a parasite – and there are already too many parasites.

Shame comes in different doses.

It’s late and most of the clerks are at home in their beds, dreaming of swimming in pools filled with real money.

Don’t mock my suggestions, Ridley – one day in the near future, they might just save your life.” Maxwell D. Kalist.

Only men with intelligence, confidence and absolutely no empathy at all can progress upstairs.

Every time I so much as blink you get an erection.

To Kalist, Baumauer’s just a timber bridge in need of a good hot fire.

You are a more powerful person than you might have ever imagined.” Maxwell D. Kalist.

Are there not times, Ridley, when you yourself wish only to hear the best in people – and not to be dragged downwards into the underworld we all regularly inhabit?

Jace: Herondale, on the other hand, is melodic. Dulcet, one might say. Think of the sound of 'Clary Herondale.'Clary: Oh, my god, that sounds horrible.Jace: We all must sacrifice for love.

...teaching is, after all, a form of show business.

Of course I love you. For real. I will sure come and personally meet you myself. Just to make sure you're well. When is your funeral?

Boys are raw materials that women manufacture into products called men.

I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married.

The fastest way to end an argument with your wife is to admit she’s right.

Nice guys finish last but bad guys don't finish at all.

I really think I'd be better at, like, advanced napping techniques.

It's four A.M.! Who goes to bed this early!?

Making love to a person in their sleep is the only guarantee they'll wake up with a smile on their face.

It is funny that those who make the laws by which we are expected to live are usually the ones who have no regard for it.

Oh don’t be such a fuss pot, ” said the fairy, “or I’ll call you Fussy Pants, instead of Silly Pants!

The world is your lobster!

If you do finish the book and are still scared of me and people of my ilk, then I recommend you schedule an appointment with a therapist. Either that, or try writing your own book

There is a moment of sheer panic when I realize that Paul's apartment overlooks the park... and is obviously more expensive than mine.

If God had a wife, He would be in trouble too if He dodged His chores.

I recommend you don't attend the wheat and chaff bonfire.