Comedy Quotes

Plot twist: everything goes exactly as planned.

Comedy is tragedy standing on its head with its pants down.

In the morning, people have a plan for that day. Hardworking people think of what they will do during the day, and idle people on what they should do.

I didn't grow up in a Norman Rockwell house... my house was more akin to Norman Lear.

Oh, God, if I'm anything by a clinical name, I'm a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I think people are plotting to make me happy.

I feel a strange sensation brewing inside of me. It tickles my throat and forces my lips into a grin. Before I can stifle it, I giggle. And then I laugh.

That awkward moment when you realize someone was actually home the whole time you were singing on the tops of your lungs.

Theologians should study in a seminary and before graduating they should make a visit to heaven and hell after which they should submit their thesis and graduate.

If heaven was created only for the most stupid clown, then Mr Bean could have been the only righteous man on earth.

Balls to ten minutes.

She had yet to actually call him by his real name. The psychologist in him had all kinds of theories as to why. The man in him wanted to hear her say it. Just once.

This was sharing office space with wacko and bordering on ludicrous.

No tricks, Syn, ” Ryder growled from where he stood a few feet away.“Tricks are for kids, silly rabbit, ” I said

Leave before I have to rip your eyes out with my dull Lady Bic razor.

She wasn't the type. Her idea of exercise was lifting a fork.

I gotta go Seth, so I'll leave you to work on being nerdy and withdrawn.”“It's not as easy as it looks, you know.”“I'm sure, ” Nine said with a laugh.

Graves leaned forward, eyeing me. “Hey, Dru. You were French-kissing awinged snake. Creeptastic.

Extroverts communicate well with others, Introverts communicate well with themselves

We had an unspoken love for one another. Probably because she’d never talk to me or return my phone calls or texts.

In any given situation there will always be more dumb people than smart people. We ain't many!

The story is uneven in its progression.

Nobody wants to give up a weekend-long excuse to dress up and attempt to outshine one another.

Comedy writers don't join fraternities.''Don't pigeon hole me, Georgie, I'm infinite.

We often hear that mathematics consists mainly of 'proving theorems.' Is a writer's job mainly that of 'writing sentences?

I never said you were supposed to be a jailer, i only said a normal person would have questioned why someone would create a decoy nun and then crawl out the window.

life has a funny way of testing you to see if you really want, what you say you want.

The thing about being a screenwriter, scriptwriter, or scenarist, You get to have multiple personalities and not be charged!

I enjoy self-publishing & sending publishers rejection letters. They're like, 'Who is this guy?' And I'm like, 'the end of your industry.

It was as if when he left he'd taken some of the screws that held her together and now all she could do was walk around all wonky and falling apart

I mean if there was any justice in the world you wouldn't even have to go to school during your period. You'd just stay home for five days and eat chocolate and cry.

I don’t know why Kate was trying to impress him, as far as I could see the guy had all the allure and social grace of a psychotic slug with halitosis and a bad head cold.

Let's go, " I said."Go where?""On Lori's date with Parker."Now he looked at me over the nerdy spectacles he wore for reading."I wasn't aware it was a double date. And you're not my type.

Her dad turned to me. "You. Follow Me.""Woof, " I said.

Stay away from her.""Okay.""Keep your hands off her.""I'll try."He scowled at me."I will, " I said.

Son, " he said, "you monkeyed up.

Better you than Cameron " McGillicuddy grumbled. "I know where Cameron's been." Sean snorted. Cameron said "I already told you I did NOT come on to Lori.

Even though Sean still held my head down I was the only one who thought to ask"Who's driving the boat?" Over the motor I heard girls screaming at us the instant before we crashed.

Taking his hand I said "Fank woo.""Hm " he laughed with his mouth closed.

I rock in his arms under the stars and the blanket of night air, unwilling or unable to tear myself away.

Knives and candlelight, ” he said, “how romantic.

Where do you prefer to sit, Sir?" (Lady Alexandra to William, the Duke, during her mail-order bride interview.)

He laughed, a big, open-mouthed laugh that made her think of words beginning with the letter O.

This was getting bloody ridiculous, he thought savagely. If she became any more adorable, endearing, or delectable, something was going to get broken.Most likely his heart.

Neil Mars?! I could blame him for having killer looks but he could not be faulted for this. He couldn’t have chosen that name for himself. No wonder he tortures his Mom by calling her by her name.

You know it feels good. I can hardly geta…I don’t even…”There was something amusing about watching him trying to form a coherent sen-tence. Amusing, but arousing at the sametime.

Jean-Baptiste Say may have coined the term 'entrepreneur' but he totally missed the opportunity to put it on a t-shirt and sell it.

Mel exhaled. "Why are you forcing me into the voice-of-reason role? You know that never works out for us.

The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is that vampires are allergic to bull shit.

...I supplied in a tone so saccharine that it should have tipped him off that his testicular health was in serious peril.

Ophelia was beating some poor underling for not knowing her arse from the sparse collection of cells between her ears.