Comedy Quotes

An educated theologian: someone who's better at rationalizing what they're pretending to know.

Dostoyevsky described hell as perhaps nothing more than a room with a chair in it. This room has several chairs. A young man sits in one.

Hell is so bloody thing, but with Lucifer from Lucifer series, hell is like comedy.

Somehow, I think God will forgive her. If not, eh, Hell has better parties anyway.

What the hell kind of Hell was this supposed to be?

Jehovah’s Witness? Don’t sweat it. I’m going to hell, already booked my ticket. Bright side? I’m pagan. Your hell is my heaven... if for no other reason than you won’t be there.

We must have taken a wrong turn turning somewhere.""Where, Purgatory?" said Dozy. "We're in Hell.

I'm simpley one hell of a butler.

What is Hell like?" I blurted out before I could stop myself. Damn my curiosity. "You've never been there?" He eyed me suspiciously. Yeah, I went to Hell every summer for vacation.

I didn't actually know what regret tasted like—but I imagined if it did have a flavor, it would be lutefisk.

Sorry, pigtails, but subtlety isn't an option anymore.

Aline!" Isabelle looked appalled. "You can't just go around asking people what it's like to be a vampire.

And honestly, given the choice of facing my mother or a vampire, I think I'd always choose the latter.

Let's see if your right foot is as fearless as your mouth.

The only person I compete with is Satan. If that happens to be you, then could you please move out of the way? You’re standing in Christ’s spot.

It's not funny anymore...", did you heard your self, you are entering a position called, "I wanna be a victim..., please take me".

I call the right axe Sorrow, " she said. "You know what I call the left one?" "Happiness?" "Sorrow. I can't tell them apart.

don't just listen to people crying, hear the reasons why they cry

It wasn't like there was a dating and mating website for bear shifters. If there had been, its mascot would have been that yellow Care Bear with the heart on its stomach.

Hormones, it seemed, we're making a much-delayed appearance in her life.Liv was horrified.

I attacked him, he healed me, then he took me hunting, I threatened him, and he took me home. Wow. That was like a date.

I try to hook you up every day. What's the point of calendars without dates?

When a boy's first romantic interlude is with Pheobe the Dog-Faced Girl, he feels a need to get out into the world and find a new life.

Ask not what your Joe Montaperto can do for you, but rather what YOU can do for your Joe Montaperto.

Going to the seaside in winter is like seeing your partner first thing in the morning. Ugly, depressing and troubled by wind.

ONLY' having the Gift, people appreciate this madness as Art. Everybody wants to have Art in their lives, but no body wants to have what the Art came out from in their lives...

It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got saran wrap – FIX IT!!!

But she's a redhead, so she's probably evil, even at her tender age.""I thought you liked redheads.""I do. What's your point?

It's like a fairy tale. . . on crack!

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious

The dog ran into the kitchen, stuck his nose in Grandma's crotch, and snuffled.Dang, " Grandma said. "Guess my new perfume really works. I'm gonna have to try it out at the seniors meeting.

Aren't you something, " Grandma said. "I never saw a midget up close." "Little person, " Briggs said. "And I never saw anyone as old as you up close, either.

No, ' the professor replied. 'Her Majesty s alive and well - at least I assume so if she hasn't met a certain van driver from Yeovil.' ~Professor Hamilton

hi my name is luke, it rhymes with puke!

Well I beat things around with my stick once in awhile.

Okay, now I know your yanking my chain. Pigs will fly before Blake would ask for our help." Rhoan"Better start ducking those flying piggies then, bro, because I'm totally serious." Riley

[T]he most comic things of all are exactly the things most worth doing--such as making love.

It could be worse... It could be raining

Few people actually read. Instead, everyone likes pretending they read. If we spent as much time reading as we say we do, we'd be grossly overweight and depressed.

Your boss loves your ideas ... it's you he doesn't care about.

Peter and Jessie were like Romeo and Juliet. Have you ever seen that old movie? Starring Leonardo Dicaprio?

A kitten is the delight of a household. All day long a comedy is played out by an incomparable actor.

Mishaque was a stouty blend of Irish "shrek" mixed with crazy Jafakain, his front was car dealing.

A comedy that has been divide in two can never be Restored

Women are aroused by the strangest things, like a rock going through their bedroom window

She had a voice so husky it could have pulled a dogsled, and the gun she was holding gave me a bad case of barrel envy.

Even amidst tragedy there is laughter, sometimes farce. The degree of farce depends on who is running the tragedy.

BALLS! We want the finest wines available to humanity. We want them HERE, and we want them NOW.

What are you gonna help us with? That very tiny used condom?

Grandma, everyone out here is bleaching their anuses. What do I do?"Her advice? "Baby, go outside in the sun and squirt a little lemon juice on it.