Comedy Quotes

If the weight comes from bacon you can so deduct it off the scale total to get your true weight. #science

How can I be more important than someone else? Isn’t every life important?

Am Anfang war Gott? It may have been true, but it was not germane.

I felt bad for the girls in my school, who flocked to prom like it was the second coming of Christ, complete with double-rainbows and unicorns.

Manners without sincerity, is called polite society

Jenna, standing in the doorway with her mouth and hand full of shelled pistachios, says, '"Real' is a dirty word in this place'.

You're FAT - and don't try to sugarcoat it, because you'll just eat that, too.

Writing is a solitary existence, especially if you forget to chat to your friends – sorry, I meant characters.

My mother, my psychiatrist and an assortment of sedatives eventually convinced me I was delusional.

I’ve got more faith in my shotgun than any man, that’s for sure.

In my sleep I have my nightmares, awake I have my thoughts, I am not sure which is worse.

Cricket could barely believe her eyes... but when that shotgun went off with a boom, so did the snake. Up until yesterday, Cricket has never seen a snake fly!

If you lead me astray, then my wanderings will bring me to my destination.

The majority of boys think the highest form of creativity is weeing a pattern into snow.

Look under your bed and you will know the greatest thief in your room.

Soak blanket in gravy and make a delicious brick wrap. Serve in All Gravy Room at the Mandrake Hotel.

Are you afraid of the future? That is funny because future does not exist yet! Future is not even a shadow, because shadow exists! Let go your fear and concentrate on the present time!

With faces entirely invisible through suits, it was hard to be sure, but my impression was that he was watching me and copying my every move. I felt this proved he was intelligent.

Reality Sucks, I want my dreams back.

If, as I have reason to believe, I have disintegrated the nucleus of the atom, this is of greater significance than th

If there is a god maybe it rewards those who don't believe on the basis of insufficient evidence--and punishes those who do.

I don't believe in God, I only believe in Al Pacino, and that's the truth.

I shouted the perfect words to scare him off. It was just the delivery (and only the delivery) that made me sound like a twelve-year-old girl with pee running down her leg. I felt dirty and stupid.

What did the mat say to the door? You must be really aDOORable to open up to everyone who knock at you. And I welcome everyone and what do I get? People stepping all over me

The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

Comedy strikes here... just to reduce pressure and depression.

Brains are like toddlers. They are wonderful and should be treasured, but that doesn’t mean you should trust them to take care of you in an avalanche or process serotonin effectively.

Well, enough of this introspection. It’s depressing, quite frankly.

There are only two profound ways to reach enlightenment: Laugh by yourself, or get tickled.

When I need some striking inspiration about deep depression for my new painting, I just need to go to check my bank account...

If you want to save your child from polio, you can pray or you can inoculate. ... Choose science.

Life isn't over until you're dead. Another ultra-positive, ultra-motivational tweet to improve your day. You're welcome.

I love religious nuts. They make me remember I have them too. So, being a health nut, I scratch them religiously. Just as I do my butt.

Humans, left to own misguided devices, scratches the Divine in the self as one would the lice, but remember to lick well all the vices.

What doesn't kill you makes you CRAZY, GRUMPY, MAD AS EVER? NO it makes you STRONGER! Yep, you'll get there eventually!

Your brain is not only the material inside your cranium, its something to be explored, developed and refined

don't try to hate me or even judging my attitude anyway you are gonna fall in love.

When a female cop pull you over for speeding, to get out of the ticket, talk nice to her, try to flirt or start crying, i bet she will save the ticket for you.

Repetition will be repeated

No, I don't like you, I just thought you were cute enough to kiss you.

Marcus looked down. “Ah, man! This was my favorite shirt. Who tore it?” he asked, trying to pull the ragged edges together.

All humans learn from each other's mistakes. Intelligent humans learn how to avoid them, idiots how to do them.

One piece of wisdom a writer quickly learns ~ typos keep you humble.

There is a lot to learn about love and positions.

Thanks. Seriously, you must have better things to do with your life than waste it on the hopeless?''I've already learned Parseltongue. What else is there?''Elvish.

Want to enjoy an restful day? Wake up, turn your phone on, meditate, look at the sky—then toss your phone into the bushes.

If you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you’re lookingthrough binoculars the wrongway

Is the diameter of your index finger equal to or greater than the diameter of a super absorbency tampon?

You’re going to be trouble, aren’t you?”“Not if you give me everything I want.”“We’ll see.

True love is jealousy in disguise: A man cannot restrict his lover from going to the club because he hates her, he actually hates the men who would come around and touch her.