Comedy Quotes

I treat my thoughts like an old person treats their valuables: I cannot for the life of me proceed to throwing them out.

To claim that one can never live a positive life with a negative mind is a very negative claim to make!

Philosophers, Poets and Fools have similar Consciousness

It's not hard to fail...it's hard to accept you failed...but once that's out of the way, it's pretty smooth sailing

Be nice to people on your way up, because you'll land on them on your way down

What the famous big blue Boy Scout told to a green Kryptonite? What?? YOU rock!

Immortality is the new twenty!

I will take all my rights! Can you deliver them to my house?

Some people stride toward a better future. Others have chauffeurs.

Phones are only good for ordering pizza and telling someone you're running late

It's not over till the fat lady eats!

I’ve never quite understood why the knuckleheads of the planet so outnumber the rest of us.

I've never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn't it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you're here?

The best cure for a stick up your butt is a dog to play fetch with.

Part of my soul goes into each quote I write. A book of my quotes can be yours for just $19.99.

Never give up hope! If you do, you be dead already.

[An example of misattribution:]If you don’t know the source of a quote, you can always make it sound better by attributing it to me.— Mark Twain

Pause while reading a book only in case of two things:1. To kiss2. To sip coffeeToo bad both are a luxury.

Who would have ever thought going to a library would be so scary?

We all say and do things we regret, but it’s never to late to change, apologize and become a better person

If you find yourself cutting corners, go in a circle instead

Loving someone is sticking a pin through a voodoo doll and not hitting any vital organs

Its funny when people recently change their attitude to gain entrance into your heart, which may only ignite your passion to close the door.

The moment was surreal. A sometimes-autistic young man with two identities lecturing a room full of zombies on feelings and realities.

It was all fine until the girls started drinking. (Everything is always fine up until that point.)

We were not actually famous, I have to add. People were just drunk.

As an author I'm in my head all day and I worry that I lose touch with reality. But then my dog pees on my shoe and I know I've found it again.

Life is like butter - when things cool down it can be reshaped

After each of his books, the writer, for a while, feels once again that he can now die happy.

In Paris, choosing a dress is a monumental decision. In Milan, it’s a kick.

Laughter is the only medicine, without side effects.

If you are reading this then you have wasted another day of your life day dreaming, rather than planning the life God intended you to live.

In spite of being complicated people choose superstitions over common sense.

An angry wife can be more frightening than an army of disgruntled soldiers.

More you know, better advice you give. Less you know, more advice you give.

People in blind love throw away common sense, conscience and comedy from the life.

The primary feature of women is not a 'beauty', it's a 'mystery'.

I don't understand this irony - valuable things like cars, gold, diamond are made up of hard materials but most valuable things like money, contracts and books are made up of soft paper.

Reading is the noblest of all the hobbies, that is why people mention it so frequently in their resume even if they don't read much.

Mama!' Rosie tugged on my shirt. 'This broccoli is tasty and wonderful'.

Your pretense does not fool me, gnome. My eye will be upon you.

Because zombies can’t go out into the sun, most of them tend to be afraid of anything that can go into the sun and live to tell the tale.

Just when you see a kid selling a mascot, If you don't buy it because he winks, Not only that will be considered a "boycott", Xenophobically, it will also be a jinx!

You’re one tough egg to crack. You know that? You’re like a Kinder egg wrapped inside a mystery wrapped inside an enigma.

Eventually, you're gonna have to let someone in.

At the end of the world, music always played on like a bad movie.

She must have been very anxious about a first boy friend to fall in love with a Colgate boy

That's not what I'm asking. I'm asking, what's your vice and what brand of trouble does it lead to?

If a wizard should take up residence in your garden and requests food, you are obliged to feed him.

To believers, the bible is a holy book, to unbelievers, it is a story book.