Comedy Humor Quotes
The whole point of straws, I had thought, was that you did not have to set down the slice of pizza to suck a dose of Coke while reading a paperback.
The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is that vampires are allergic to bull shit.
No, ' the professor replied. 'Her Majesty s alive and well - at least I assume so if she hasn't met a certain van driver from Yeovil.' ~Professor Hamilton
She had a voice so husky it could have pulled a dogsled, and the gun she was holding gave me a bad case of barrel envy.
He was a humorist, and everyone knew the funny writers were the most serious sort under their skins.
Oh, friend John, it is a strange world, a sad world, a world full of miseries, and woes and troubles, and yet when King Laugh come he make them all dance to the tune he play.
i prefer to think of the good times. Like when you held my hair as I was vomiting into a bucket.
It turns out that we’re not the only ones who go out on a scientific limb as we discuss or attempt to discuss cars, car repairs and scientific education in America today.
Our specialty was exasperated dignity and the discombombulation of Authority.
Worn over the man’s head like a deranged bank robber is a pair of pink cotton panties.
Etiquette tip: If you're looking for the right time to leave a party, when the host yells, "No one leaves here alive, " that's your cue.
Tria finally slumped to the ground “I swear I'm sick of falling into pits and swamps...” “Hey, upside is you're not dead yet so win win.” Ingra said cheerfully.
If I could go back and say one thing to my younger self it would be: YOU ARE NOT FAT.
If by fawning, you mean he’s a deer, I have a gun, and it’s hunting season, then I guess you’re right.
Agres!” she hissed again even louder this time “WHAT!” Tria smiled “Oh good you are alive.
You know, I'm really starting to hate the insect life around here. Next time, remind me to bring a can of Off!
This is the funniest book I’ve ever held in my hands. --Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist and author says about Radical Sabbatical
He immediately went down with a thud and I was pretty certain most of the furniture in the room jumped when he landed.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, you will be a mile away from him, and you will have his shoes.
There was no way to have a civilized conversation with that guy. It's like he was raised by giraffes or something.
My daughter asked if the boogie man was scary. I said, "Not as scary as the boogie woman.
Mike’s brain was hardwired directly into his genitals and most higher functions appeared to have switched themselves off. In other words, he was just like most men.
Every child needs a father. Even if he turns out to be Darth Vader.
There’s no experience quite like cutting your own live Christmas tree out of your neighbor’s yard.
If we get a 3D printer at the office, the first thing I’m printing with it is a new 3D printer just for me!
The medium is the message, the message is encrypted, and the encryption key is controlled by NSA.
The Occupy Wall Street movement faltered when activists realized that traders were quite busy already.
Secret 7591.42.21. Avoiding weasel words in your intelligence analysis isn't easy when your intelligence analysis is about weasels.
HARV, can you help at all here?” I asked, spinning downward.“I am writing your obituary. Well, not so much writing it as updating it, ” HARV told me.If I lived, I was going to kill HARV.
Thing is, I am not a big fan of hovers. I firmly believe that if man was meant to fly we’d have feathers, rubber bones, or better insurance coverage.
So, what you’re basically telling me is death is boring but no worse than hanging out with family.
98% of all comedians feel obliged to be funny when interviewed. Less than 2% succeed.
Make your life the greatest story ever told!