Comedy Humor Quotes

So what do you think the physical effect was?"Roman Laughed. "Buddy, " he said, "she was tripping.

boys, girls and music . . why do they need gin?

He had intended his address to be somewhat more comprehensive than this but was forced to cut it short, having been stabbed between the ribs with a broadsword.

Gus leaned back in his chair, appearing satisfied."Good, " he said. "Cause Maggie's all the nightmare I can take."I smiled. "Gus, I never knew you dreamed of me." He gave me a one-fingered salute

If they tell me one more time that I'm using the wrong fork for a part of a meal, I swear I'll show them exactly how multifunctional the utensil can be.

Yeah. Of course I can do simple math. I graduated high school, ya know.”“What an accomplishment. No one has ever done that before.

Being immortal is grand and all but I don't really remember half of what I did. The human brain was not made to hold this much information. So it doesn't.

I'm realizing that some of my greatest (or at least most determined) genius lies in my ability to procrastinate.

I don't have a hot date. I don't even have a lukewarm date.

They say the crazies come out at night. I say the crazies come out during election year: Elections have the power to turn once seemingly normal people into certified loonies.

I do not think, Prospero, ' he said, 'that one should attribute a very high degree of reality to your house.

That one doesn’t count. The poor scoundrel is deaf, but he makes a fine sniffer. How do you think we found you?

Was she pregnant then?' asked Assad. Judging by the number of family members in his photos, it was a feminine condition with which he was quite familiar.

@She is really really so beautiful there, ' said Assad.Carl glanced at him. Apparently a woman's appearance was a particularly valuable factor in his assistant's world-view. But Carl agreed with him.

You'd be amazed to discover all the tangible things that can come out of dreams." "Like drool?

I want my lobster in bite-sized pieces! How dare you make me chew more than thrice?

Shadowmane sighed as well. :We had better do what this Topaz commands. Unicorns are jerks when they don’t get their way.:

One day, scientists will overtake LIGHT and crash into the DARKNESS.

I don't imagine book elitists as my audience when writing. I dream about teachers, morticians and garbage men instead.

It's hard to sleep when you have thirty two million quids worth of stolen jewellery hidden under the mattress.

I just don't— Ronan. My ears are bleeding!"Ronan turned down the music.

I’ve never quite understood why the knuckleheads of the planet so outnumber the rest of us.

Never give up hope! If you do, you be dead already.

It was all fine until the girls started drinking. (Everything is always fine up until that point.)

We were not actually famous, I have to add. People were just drunk.

I shouted the perfect words to scare him off. It was just the delivery (and only the delivery) that made me sound like a twelve-year-old girl with pee running down her leg. I felt dirty and stupid.

Well, enough of this introspection. It’s depressing, quite frankly.

Want to enjoy an restful day? Wake up, turn your phone on, meditate, look at the sky—then toss your phone into the bushes.

Tomorrow looked a lot better yesterday

I can write about all of these bizarre and funny characters in my book, "Diggin' Elroy, " because I know them better than anyone else. I have a little bit of all of them in me.

A girl can dream can’t she? My new life plan is to stumble into every office of a CEO until I find a Christian Grey.

Hello little one. Did you know you're on private property?""Really? I had no idea." Meryn fudged. He raised an eyebrow. "The ten foot fence right behind you didn't give it away?

It's not that I can't express myself, it's that I still feel present when I'm not expressing myself.

Luck is merely a product of the happily delusional mind.

I feel like I've been ironing all day in high heels and no brassiere. ~Tizzy Donovan, Laid Out and Candle Lit

I'd rather be stung to death by a bunch of piss ants. ~Synola Harper, You're Busting My Nuptials

Anticipation tingled in my stomach: the kind of tingle that at first you don’t know if it’s a good tingle or a bad tingle – just a tingle.

It’s still all “ifs” “buts” and “maybes”.’ ‘Maybe, ’ I said. ‘But if what I’m saying is correct …

When you’re given the gift of truth, you spend a lot of time trying to tone it down because it is already offensive enough.

He had spoken with such absolute confidence that I knew he had to be blowing this out of his rectal orifice.

I might act like a rhinoceros, but I'm a unicorn.

I'm rarely rude except accidentally, and that doesn't really count...

Diesel sucked air. "You keep fondling me like that, and I might have to marry you.""I'm not fondling you. I'm looking for the keys!""Could you look a little more gently? You're scaring my boys.

I guess the breakfast burritos are going to have some extra protein in the morning.

There's a big difference between want and need, " she muttered to herself, picking her pad and pen back up. "I mean I want a bikini body, but I need chicken nuggets.

I am always doing what I thought I couldn't do, because I might learn something. Henri Marcel - Marriage a Journey and A Dog

Oh, I love you, June, I really do. It's just that you sounded so...twat-ish just then.

Humor is not an end in itself, but a tool to understanding. A dense head must be tickled with an ax.

Ignorance is not linear, it's exponential.

I prefer noodles when they're raw, they taste just as good, but reward you with a satisfying crunch...