Comedy Humor Quotes

You called the guy you’re supposed to rescue a nerd, and you just referenced Star Trek. You don’t find that a bit nerdy?

Sleepwalking is the perfect exorcise for lazy people

It's early on a beautiful winter morning. The house is quiet. The sun is shining. I'm thankful. I'm happy. My cup runneth over. Now there's coffee everywhere.

In life there are squares and there are circles, sometimes it's best to be an oblong

Lea, you know you should never have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

You mean you don't want to come in and hold my hand while I piss?

We both want you dead. I'm bringing the friendship bracelets to the next meeting.

I mean emotionally, women are like Bruce Lee and we’re like Donald Duck. An’ I think a lotta guys are afraid of that.

I like to think I'm not stupid often, tonight proves that when I am, I do it in a big way.

I made a noise of disgust, and I think I would have stormed out if I knew how to open the door.

If You Lose Your Keys, At Least It's Better Than Losing Your Car.

Wisdom of the Ages: "President's Day" One allowed the Federal Reserve and one got lead. One got a city and the other got dead.

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Unger Games" If your meals depend on you beating the Seahawks, you're gonna go "'Unger-y.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Tooth Fairy" Growing up in the Northwest was tough. For years I thought the Tooth Fairy was a big boat with cars and sharp teeth.

You have a very attractive revenge streak in you. I like it. A lot.” ~Maggie Mae Castro to FBI Special Agent Clive Poole

I once told him that the best way to break up a fight is to step between the two people and start singing ancient folk songs. But I’d never heard of anyone actually doing such a thing.

Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with a car. Throw you off a bridge so high, Hope you break your neck and die.

The very last thing I needed was fire burning through my palms.

I've got a Siamese cat. It has 2 heads and 18 lives.

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Patriot Act" In theater and football, it's the last act before it's curtains for Seahawks opponents.

Girls like good-looking guys, and I am not very good-looking. In fact, I sort of look like a pudding

Labor is a man crowning glory.""Not this man's.""I quote Marx"I raised my hands. The pickaxe handle had been rough."I quote blisters.

Rivera rubbed his temples. "Satan told you to do it?" he said wearily."No.""Elvis?""I told you, it's supernatural.

Y are you called the cheese man?

I trust you all slept well, ” I said, deliberately keeping my tone light. I returned Malich’s glare with a tight-lipped grin.“Yes, we did, ” Kaden answered quickly.“I’m sorry to hear that.

The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor with adult content.

Now, my intention was to drink just enough to dull the senses, but intentions should never be mixed with alcohol.

He was so drunk that he would have stubbornly denied that he was.

...I guess I can put two and two together.""Sometimes the answer's four, " I said, "and sometimes it's twenty-two...

It is meant to be survival of the fittest, not survival of the most floral.

The na at the end of banana annoys me as much as it would you if it were bananana.

...and yes that was meant to be interpreted in a sarcastic bubblegum tone complete with clapping and jazz hands.

All right, I'll wait another two thousand years to make jokes about my evilness.

Graduating from the School of Hard Knocks doesn't always get you to Fort Knox.

They are not grey roots! This is my new fifty shades of grey OMBRE hairstyle!

Turning to Turnip, Miss Dempsey said, 'Do you think?'. 'As little as I can, ' Turnip replied honestly.

Are You Driving With Your Eyes Open? Or Are You like Using The Force?

The fool has said in his heart: pass me another Everlasting God-Stopper, please.

I hate when I break my own rules. What’s the point of me being rational if I flail around like a clown?

Serena had to cross her legs: in moments of dire amusement her bladder tended to play tricks.

Being a pumpkinhead is great.""Your HEAD is a PUMPKIN.

It’s not technically gossip if you start your sentence with “I’m really concerned about __________________, ” (fill in the name of the person you’re not gossiping about).