Kinky Friedman Quotes

May the God of your choice bless and keep you. I respect Him as long as He does not circumcise me anymore.

If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There's always time to be humble later, once you've been proven horrendously, irrevocably wrong.

If you elect me the first Jewish justice of the peace, I'll reduce the speed limits to 54.95!

What has six balls and screws Texans? The Texas Lottery.

A happy childhood is the worst possible preparation for life.

You've got to find what you love and let it kill you. I don't think any of us should ever forget that.

My definition of an artist is anyone who's ahead of his time and behind on his rent.

Young people are the key to this election.

The first thing I'll do if elected is demand a recount.

Every time you see a beautiful woman, just remember, somebody got tired of her.

I'm well aware that the Nelson Mandelas and the Winston Churchills of the world happened by accident. They usually come out of nowhere.

The child-teacher relationship is crucial.

I've been in true love many times. I just try to avoid it as much as possible. For if there's one thing I know about true love, it is that sooner or later, it results in a hostage situation.

William Bennett is my patron saint, one of them. Redd Foxx is another.

We've had to be creative to get on the ballot.

You have to work at it if you want to be a good smoker. Especially today with all the non-smoking world constantly harassing you.

If Willie Nelson had been Rosa Parks, there never would have been a civil rights movement in this country, because he refuses to leave the back of the bus.

I'll sign anything except bad legislation.

Always respect your superiors, if you have any.

Finding a cat--or having a cat find you--can change your world as much as marriage, divorce, love, death, or even winning the lottery can, and sometimes more.

There is a difference between who is important and who is significant.

Sometimes performing someone else's song is more difficult than writing your own.

We're all worm bait waiting to happen. It's what you do while you wait that matters.

All my adult life I've been in the practice of giving advice to people who are happier than I am.

If you don't love Jesus-go to hell!

I'm too young for Medicare and too old for women to care.

I suffer from the curse of being multi-talented. There's no doubt about it. Politics and literature have gotten in the way of songwriting.

Sleep came slower than a frigid woman.

The system is not perfect. Until it's perfect, let's do away with the death penalty.

The reason educational spending in Texas is so low is because you don't have a state tax there, and that's why Texas is big growth because you don't tax people to death.

These days, there are many people around the world who listen to the songs that made me infamous and read the books that made me respectable.

I'll keep us out of war with Oklahoma!

I'll tell you right now. I'm for prayer in school.

The folks in Mississippi are saying, 'Thank God for Texas.'

I am not anti-death penalty, but I'm damned sure anti-the-wrong-guy-getting-executed.

The Ten Commandments being taken out of the public schools. I want them back.

Remember, I'm not running against Rick Perry; I'm running against apathy.

Inspiration thing is important, to teach the kids that JFK is not an airport, RFK's not a stadium, Martin Luther King ain't a street

I don't believe in carrying a weapon. If somebody wants to shoot me, he'll have to bring his own gun.

This system is really broken. No Child Left Behind has really failed and the only way to solve education is to leave one governor behind.

Now I have a cat. Well, that's not quite accurate. A cat and I have each other.

I don't think I have even achieved fame. Of course, Hemingway says that fame is death's little sister.

If Jesus Christ had run as an independent, Rick Perry would have beat him.

I don't feel bad about losing.

Like most of us, I determined that I'd rather be a large part of the problem than a small part of the solution.

The teachers are getting screwed, blued, and tattooed by the system.

Cuban cigars is a big expense because I do smoke a lot of them, eight to 12 a day, so that would be almost as bad as a cocaine habit, a hundred bucks a day.

I'd felt that a man without a woman was like a neck without a pain.

No matter where you go, you always see yourself in the rearview mirror.

Well, I hate to be the one to take the flyswatter to Tinker Bell, but...