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Johnny Carson Quotes

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Johnny Carson Quotes: "If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace."

If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "From the time I was a little kid, I was always shy. Performing was when I was outgoing. So I guess I am a loner. I get claustrophobia if a lot of people are around."

From the time I was a little kid, I was always shy. Performing was when I was outgoing. So I guess I am a loner. I get claustrophobia if a lot of people are around.




Johnny Carson Quotes: "The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered."

The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?"

How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?




Johnny Carson Quotes: "The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money."

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'"

Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'



Johnny Carson Quotes: "An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?"

An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?




Johnny Carson Quotes: "Only lie about the future."

Only lie about the future.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "He's so fat, he can be his own running mate."

He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "Everybody I meet in public seems to want to audition for me. If I ask a guy what time it is, he'll sing it to me."

Everybody I meet in public seems to want to audition for me. If I ask a guy what time it is, he'll sing it to me.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods."

Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower."

Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.




Johnny Carson Quotes: "Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'."

Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh."

I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "Audiences have proved time and again that they don't want a steady diet of any entertainer airing his social views - especially if he's a comedian."

Audiences have proved time and again that they don't want a steady diet of any entertainer airing his social views - especially if he's a comedian.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "I heard from my cat's lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles."

I heard from my cat's lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat."

Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "As for being sociable, I hate the phoniness in the showbiz world. I know this will be taken wrong, but I don't like clubs and organizations. I was never a joiner."

As for being sociable, I hate the phoniness in the showbiz world. I know this will be taken wrong, but I don't like clubs and organizations. I was never a joiner.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "We're more effective than birth control pills."

We're more effective than birth control pills.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars."

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over."

I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "Having money gives me the freedom to worry about the things that really matter."

Having money gives me the freedom to worry about the things that really matter.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "Democracy means free television, not good television, but free."

Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "Air Canada. That's a good name for a Canadian airline."

Air Canada. That's a good name for a Canadian airline.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive."

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show."

As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday."

Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them."

They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "We have two kinds of air: regular and chunky style."

We have two kinds of air: regular and chunky style.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "As long as I don't commit any crimes, you have no right to judge me except by my performance as a professional. On that level, you're welcome to think whatever you want about me."

As long as I don't commit any crimes, you have no right to judge me except by my performance as a professional. On that level, you're welcome to think whatever you want about me.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist."

When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "I am taking the applause sign home, putting it in the bedroom."

I am taking the applause sign home, putting it in the bedroom.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "I think students ought to have the right to protest, but not to the point of anarchy."

I think students ought to have the right to protest, but not to the point of anarchy.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "The good news is that the president gets another chance. The bad news is that he'll be two weeks older."

The good news is that the president gets another chance. The bad news is that he'll be two weeks older.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "I see a lot of new faces. Especially on the old faces."

I see a lot of new faces. Especially on the old faces.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman."

Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "I don't think it's you that changes with success - it's the people around you who change. Because of your new status, they change in relation to you."

I don't think it's you that changes with success - it's the people around you who change. Because of your new status, they change in relation to you.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "NBC's a little jealous of CNN correspondent Wolf Blitzer. They want to get a reporter with a macho-sounding name too, so they're changing Irving R. Levine's name to Scud Shrapnel."

NBC's a little jealous of CNN correspondent Wolf Blitzer. They want to get a reporter with a macho-sounding name too, so they're changing Irving R. Levine's name to Scud Shrapnel.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'"

People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'



Johnny Carson Quotes: "Find me any performer anywhere who isn't egocentric. You'd better believe you're good, or you've got no business being out there."

Find me any performer anywhere who isn't egocentric. You'd better believe you're good, or you've got no business being out there.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result, there is no Japanese word for Alan King."

There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result, there is no Japanese word for Alan King.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "I owe one thing to my public - the best performance I can give."

I owe one thing to my public - the best performance I can give.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too."

Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford - an actor and a stuntman."

That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford - an actor and a stuntman.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "I am one of the lucky people in the world; I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it."

I am one of the lucky people in the world; I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!!"

Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!!



Johnny Carson Quotes: "Entertainment is like any other major industry; it's cold, big business. The business end wants to know one thing: Can you do the job? If you can, you're in, you're made; if you can't, you're out."

Entertainment is like any other major industry; it's cold, big business. The business end wants to know one thing: Can you do the job? If you can, you're in, you're made; if you can't, you're out.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "I have an ego like anybody else, but I don't need to be stoked by going before the public all the time."

I have an ego like anybody else, but I don't need to be stoked by going before the public all the time.



Johnny Carson Quotes: "Pittsburgh is kind of like Newark without the cultural advantages."

Pittsburgh is kind of like Newark without the cultural advantages.