I.B. George Quotes

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

If you can't say something nice about a person, go ahead

Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? "Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself."

She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.

I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.

Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.

The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament.

When you're born in this world you're given a ticket to the Freak Show. And when you're born in America, you're given a front row seat. And some of us get to sit there with notebooks.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years.

I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.

The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman's rate.

I'm sure Hitler was great with his family.

They mention that it's a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don't care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport.

Movies and television don't make you violent; all they do is channel the violence more creatively.

You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.

Part of the pleasure of being alive is the knowledge that you're not dead yet.

I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you're screwed because it's all fixed and rigged. There is a club and you ain't in it.

I actually was a writer who had the ability to perform his own work as opposed to a comedian who wrote his own material. So that really made me happy and changed my whole perspective.

The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt-sign. He didn't mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap, and when he jumped up, his head hit the switch.

I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.

It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.

We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.

When people asked me, "Do you get high to go onstage?" I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning. Going onstage had nothing to do with it.

No one is more himself than the moment when he's laughing at a joke. It's at those moments that people's defenses go down, and that's when you can slip in a good idea.

My left descending septal branch artery decided to close without consultation with any of my other organs. It happened on Saint Patrick's Day, 1978.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

Weather tonight: dark. Turning partly light by morning.

Thall shall keep thy religion to thy selves.

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

People who own everything know how to relax a little and bend and exhale once in a while, but they're not going to let it get out of control.

I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there.

If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.

Tonight's forecast: DARK. Continued mostly dark tonight, turning to wildly scattered light in the morning

Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.

I don't think we really gave barbarism a fair try.

Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.

My grandfather, mother and father were gifted verbally, and my mother passed that along to me. She always made sure I was conscious of language and words.

I'm 63 now. But that's just 17 Celsius.

Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being.

I saw Danny Kaye in a movie, and he was doing voices and faces on that big, big screen and making whole audiences laugh. It was just an instant hookup.

One philosopher has rightly said that property is theft. But I'd like to use my future ownership of property to give something back.

A pear is a failed apple.