Henny Youngman Quotes

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

Are you married? What do you do for agravation?

Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.

He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".

Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."

My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

There is no spark like the one ignited under the aspirations of a new graduate.

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.

My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away.

Let's get up here before we get killed!

If I had blood, I'd blush.

All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.