David Quotes

I'm directing the Sky show. I'm not going to be in it. I'm just writing and directing it. So that'll satisfy that part of my brain.

[If Donald Trump does get elected, I will be] probably Secretary Of Reeducation. Or I don't know. I'll probably end up working in the cafeteria.

You have to get the second season by acquiescing to a third season.

The underpinning of immigration concerns is xenophobia and racism and nationalism.

I'd say 95 percent of my audience was white. They were mostly kind of older hipster folks like myself.

I still think that, hopefully, you're not ahead of the jokes, and I think that has value. There is a punchline and it's pointed - and, again, whether you think it's funny or not, that's subjective.

I've gotten "condescending" a million times, and that's not good.

It's easy to see that two people might come up with that same idea.

I'm not a centrist, and there's nothing about me that's centrist. I never have been.

Once you get into the [Donald] Trump stuff, you get people going, "I didn't come here to have my political views bashed."

I've never thought of myself as a hoity-toity cultural critic.

I have no hesitation doing children's movies. Zero. And I don't even have kids.

I was heavily influenced by Andy Kaufman and Steven Wright.

Nobody is going to be as bad for free thinking, right-minded individuals than George Bush.

As far as just my stand-up is concerned, I don't care about changing anyone's mind. I'm not making an argument. I'm a guy doing comedy.

I have a few business ideas (that I'm going to advertise in High Times, amongst other places), and one of them is a service in which I offer to eat and describe pork to kosher people.

I've never written jokes. I mean, I'll write things on a piece of paper and riff on them onstage.

Hopefully people are upset for the reason I want them to be upset. Even when I was doing open mics, I've always had people upset. I've never been the consummate crowd-pleaser.

I just often find myself getting shrill, angry and the jokes get more incredulous.

I work a lot and I like to get out and work but the work I do to make the other work work I'm not very good at.

My biggest problem is retaining the exact information.

There were a number of referendums in '98 that most of the things I voted for passed. That's very satisfying when you feel that most of the country is in step with your views.

I think people, for the most part, actually want what they think is best.

I lived in LA for almost nine years and if I never went back there again it would be fine.

I read the New York Times, and if I'm in a different city, I'll skim that paper.

If you want to reinstate the 14.4 billion dollars that Bush cut out of the veterans program then vote democrat.

I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically.

If you wanna find out 101 things to do with plums, heh, read your in-flight magazine.

It's just an easy catchall to describe a style because there are a lot of alternative comics who are completely different from each other.

I don't think of my opponents in the sense that I don't think of them consciously, I don't steer it one way or the other.

James Lipton: The most pompous arrogant failure in history.

[On the Dating Handbook] 'With a telescope, some munchies, and a warm blanket, watch for Halley's comet.' Yeah. I like that. There's no time limit. Just sit there and grow old together.

If people disagree with me and want to articulate it, that's not only their right but almost their obligation.

Then I will tape the sets and even though I'm not very successful sometimes I will try to cut out the fat and put the jokes closer together.

There are really funny alternative comics and really funny straight comics who write and perform traditionally.

I love Tinkle, it's really the most fun I've had in years.

A verbose, prosaic review which mentions whistling winds and the timeless feeling of jade doesn't mean anything to me; I don't need a novella telling me about how an album is like a fine meal.

I'll think of the idea and then I'll write something down, then within that there will be a joke or two which is the original thing which I thought was funny.

So all my friends have kids now... which I think is rude.

I don't mean this to sound hyperbolic but there are increasingly, albeit really minor, similarities between now and how Germany was lulled into what happened pre-WW2.

Ive got a lot of friends there and there is stuff to do but as much as I dislike LA I really like living and working in New York City.

Don't make sense, make change.

As I get older and I get a few more years experience I become more like Dad, you know, King Lear.

It took three years to put Shakespeare's words together, there were a lot of words to be studied and a lot of words to be sorted out, and it proved to be a major project.

Those who are flexible in thought, will inevitably succeed.

I think thats what all New Zealanders who are fair-minded want - a good chance for everybody to get ahead, whether its education or housing.

Socialisms not a word that I use. I say social democracy because I dont think the government needs to own all the means of production.

If theres a sustainable job that will create sustainable value, people will hire for it.

Ive worked as a diplomat before I became a politician.

The Free Market is Mother Nature's way of organizing economic activity.