Carol Leifer Quotes

As a writer, the worst thing you can do is work in an environment of fear of rejection.

I suddenly had this really mad desire to have an affair with a woman. I was divorced. I was childless. I figured there's got to be one more way to really tick off my mom.

Time flies, though, huh? But I feel young. And do you know how I stay feeling young, ladies and gentlemen? I'll share my secret with you: I live in a senior citizen retirement community.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I was over there in Hawaii. I was there on the big island. The 'Big Island' - that name cracks me up. First of all, it's not that big, so I'm pretty sure a guy came up with that name.

They're all sources of material. What I love about what I do, the more you talk about your life, there are so many people who have similar experiences.

All my other relationships with men, there was so much maneuvering and strategic decisions and stuff.

I'm not afraid of putting myself out there to someone and then them passing on it. At least you could have gotten a 'yes.' So it's worthwhile to have the cojones to do it.

Just be your authentic self because there's nothing sexier or more beautiful than that.

Women, stop buying the lingerie. Stop buying it right now. Oh, it's a big rip off. Oh my god, $18 bucks for panties this big? Come on, one trip through the dryer, and it's a frilly bookmark.

I've seen too many comics who got their own shows and were undone because they worked for an executive producer who didn't understand their comedy or their sensibility.

Making love to a woman is like buying real estate: location, location, location.

My father was the king of the joke-tellers. I was so impressed as a child watching him, holding people in rapt attention.

My stand-up act is very clean.

I always say to women, 'Take advantage of the fact that you're in the minority, don't see it as a disadvantage. You're that much more unique when there's fewer of you.

It was a mixed marriage. I'm human, and he was a Klingon.

There were very few women comics when I started out doing stand-up. But I always saw that as a great advantage.

Some people have their marriages annulled, which means they never existed. Boy, talk about denial! What do you say when people see your wedding album? 'Oh that was just some play I was in.

I don't exercise. My philosophy is: No pain, no pain.

There are so many opportunities that I could've gotten before if I had just took a little more of a risk.

My father was a huge influence on me.

My father was the kind of guy who'd always say 'Throw out any subject and I got a joke on it,'

I cried when I turned 34 for no other reason than 34 sounded old to me at the time.

I never thought I was going to have children. I just thought after 45, that was it.

I feel I've always got to keep my stand-up because I never want to lose it.

Long Island - if you're from out of town, how would I describe it? Well, every girl in my neighborhood looked like Kenny G.

The only thing I said to my parents when I was a teenager was Hang up, I got it!

Animal experiments are no joke. Thank goodness scientists are finding better, more humane ways to develop treatments for cancer and other killer diseases.

I'm wearing a new perfume that I should recommend to the women in the audience; it's called 'Tester.

When you lie about your age, the terrorists win.

I'm sorry I didn't have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I'm not participating anymore.