You can always tell a real friend: when you've made a fool of yourself he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent.

Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.

Don't believe in miracles - depend on them.

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.

When in doubt or danger, run in circles, scream and shout.

A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know.

There are two kinds of failures: those who thought and never did, and those who did and never thought

Some problems are so complex that you have to be highly intelligent and well informed just to be undecided about them.

Cultural contamination that is directed outward is always seen as ‘enlightenment.

I don't know anywhere in the world where there is not racism against somebody.

Histories used often to be stories: the fashion now is to leave out the story. Our histories are stall-fed: the facts are absorbed by the reflexions, as the meat is sometimes by the fat.

A genius is a genius, regardless of the number of morons who belong to the same race - and a moron is a moron, regardless of the number of geniuses who share his racial origin.

I'm not in the Shakespeare stakes. I have no ambition.

I like doing things that are very wildly different. I find that the meat and vegetables of being an actor is doing things that are completely different, all the time.

strength and beauty must go hand in hand

The only positive benefit of the injury to Flintoff may be the end of his captaincy ambitions

I must really confess right here, the attraction was purely physical.

almost any object, including this book you hold, can turn up as Exhibit A in a murder trial.