Yesterday in Egypt, archaeologists discovered the burial site for the 50 children of Ramses II...Fifty children! What I want to know is, who decided to name a condom after this guy?

Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.

A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die.

I have an abacus at home.

A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there's only six people under 30 who actually vote.

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.

Santa will be showing up with Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer.

After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump's hair has a new show on Animal Planet.

Her hand warmed from his touch and she hoped the cloud-covered moon hid her blush.

Empowered Women 101: Empowered women never live the life they wouldn't want for their daughter. They teach them what self respect looks like.

The king of France with twenty thousand men Went up the hill and then came down again: The king of Spain with twenty thousand more Climbed the same hill the French had climbed before.

Posterity! You will never know how much it cost the present generation to preserve your freedom! I hope you will make a good use of it.

It's a sad day when Republicans will attack fellow Republicans on an issue as fundamental as free enterprise.

There are many mysteries in old age but the greatest, surely, is this: in those adverts for walk-in bathtubs, why doesn't all the water gush out when you get in?

I can't begrudge anyone who opts to get a job instead of creating one for themselves.

Everybody I meet in public seems to want to audition for me. If I ask a guy what time it is, he'll sing it to me.

We have in England a particular bashfulness in every thing that regards religion.

An important lesson: Things that look like an overnight success usually aren't.