Whenever I'm stuck in traffic, I can't help but wonder, 'Where did the creator of The Jetsons go, and why hasn't he done something about this?'

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

can I ask you a simple but complex question? Why are you still alive and living?

It is not a waste to write beautiful prose or poetry for one person's eyes alone!

It is not the writer's task to answer questions but to question answers. To be impertinent, insolent, and, if necessary, subversive.

You cannot demand truth, and then select half and throw the inconvenient remainder away.

We're not looking at banning all weapons.

He kissed me, and I pulled my personal psycho into bed with me.

Almost every person has something secret he likes to eat.

The fact that they let me in a movie with Gene Hackman has left me with no faith in show buisness.

There was a time - before I made movies - when I was more forgiving, but now that I've learned as much as I have, I want to do movies that I want to see, that have their own unique flavor.

Each aspirant has to be a divine soldier. He must consciously and constantly use his divine energy to drill himself into a liberated soul.