When you talk about modern comedy I think there's a big three right now, and that's Louis C.K., Bill Burr, and Jim Jefferies. I don't think anyone's doing it better than those three guys.

That is the most confusing and insane thing to me, when people get offended on behalf of another group.

I hate that when people are like, "Well, all dwarves know each other, right?" And you want to get mad, but you can't because we do.

I want to go to Australia so bad, do comedy there, and see the people there. It's a great country. I have friends that are Australian that have told me all about it. I want to do comedy there.

It takes a surprisingly large amount of intelligence to be a professional idiot.

The vast majority of people that have gotten mad at me for a joke that I've made were people that were, A, never going to see me in the first place, or, B, were dragged to see me by somebody else.

Comedian makes the statement that just isn't true.

I don't get to the global issues or anything like that. I am just trying to be silly.

People ask me a lot like, "Hey, so when are you done with your tour?" Like when I die. That's when I'm done with my tour.

Everyone's extremely and easily offended now.

It's very confusing to me why people take comedians so seriously.

You were sizzling, like sausages in a frying pan.

The first recipe for happiness is: avoid too lengthy meditation on the past.

As writers, it is our job not only to imagine, but to witness.

The abuse of detainees in U.S. custody has severely undermined our Nation's position in the world.

Love requires peace, love will dream; it cannot live upon the remnants of our time and our personality.

The humanity of famous intellectuals lies in being wrong with gracious courtesy when dealing with those who are not famous.

Stay in the middle,don't get pushed to the side,every chance that's worth taking,is a chance worth the fight

All life passes like a fast flowing river and how strange to see that happiness increases this speed! Yes, a happy life passes faster!

Right now, I'm hankering for new adventures... Ninety percent of the time I'm having romantic-comedy fantasies in which I'm wearing little pencil skirts and hurrying down to the subway.

Prudery is ignorance.