When I say 'friends,' I use that term loosely, as I don't actually have any.

Brits have a better sense of humor in most ways. It's darker, more cutting.

When you can't draw chameleons and you can't draw blenders, it's a bad idea to write strips where chameleons become blenders.

If somebody is not on the same page with me humor wise, I can't give them that.

I seem to be able to get away with pun strips if I add a panel at the end where I somehow indicate that I know it's a bad pun.

It's best to love your family as you would a Siberian tiger-from a distance, preferably separated by bars.

You can write a little and can draw a little, but there's necessarily a limitation on both in a comic strip, since it appears in such a tiny space.

Sticking to my schedule, Ive gotten over seven months ahead, which allowed me to write a Pearls Before Swine movie script for the big screen.

I was a lawyer for 10 years, and when youre in law, things really have to get done, or somebody sues you. Its a great trick.

Most poetry just confounds me. I really want to like it, but I can't help thinking it's a hoax. (p. 24)

If you put me in South Park, that audience is going to fall asleep in five minutes.

She wore far too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes. That is always a sign of despair in a woman.

However, the real beauty is not in the words themselves, but in the listener that has the power to understand them.

Amy pulls away and looks into my face. Her pale skin is blotchy red, her eyes are veined and shadowed, and a shiny line of snot trickles from her nose to the top of he

The bravest thing that men do is love women.

Delivering the State of the Union? That bloke couldn't deliver pizza.

When you say, "History is written by the winners," you like to think about someone who isn't you. You want to think, "Oh, that's the juggernaut I'm standing against." But you're probably part of it.

Failures are inevitable. Unfortunately, in film they live for ever and they're 40 ft wide and 20 ft high.

My first writing jobs were writing Tom Arnold specials for HBO, so I love working there.

The opponents and I are really one. My strength and skills only half of the equation. The other half is theirs. An opponent is someone whose strength joined to yours creates a certain result.

Nothing is stronger than the position of the dead among the living.