Summer is a drag because even normal people become obsessed with their bodies. A bad bathing suit can humiliate you more tan anything else in life.

Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.

A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die.

I have an abacus at home.

A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there's only six people under 30 who actually vote.

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.

Santa will be showing up with Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer.

After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump's hair has a new show on Animal Planet.

And there was that poor sucker Flaubert rolling around on his floor for three days looking for the right word.

Men don't need linguistic talent

You are a special being

Marriage is the commodification of affection, copulation, and, reproduction.

There is one basic cause of all effects.

The greater part of our lives is spent in dreaming over the morrow and when it comes it too is consumed in the anticipation of a brighter morrow and so the cheat is prolonged even to the grave.

I love being a part of Aqua Teen.

My songs have always had hope and perseverance in them - I never write songs that have no escape hatch, no positivity.

It's easy to see the negative, but every person has something great about them. Develop a habit of looking for the good.

The only unhappiness is not to love God.