Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.

Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.

A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die.

I have an abacus at home.

A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there's only six people under 30 who actually vote.

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.

Santa will be showing up with Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer.

After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump's hair has a new show on Animal Planet.

You only need four words to spell the greatest word in the universe: L.O.V.E.

You can be the one - in - a - million. Don’t be discouraged by the odds to Succeed.

the rule of Nobody ... is what the political form known as bureaucracy truly is.

Greatest thing we can produce is character. Everything else can be taken from us, but not our character.

I can be a new Di Stefano, but I can't be a new Pelé. He is the one that goes beyond the limits of logic.

To ask me is in vain; For who goes up your winding stair Can ne'er come down again.

The night is young, and by the grace of magic, so are we.

When you're me, when you're R. Kelly, everybody wants a piece of you, and if you don't give 'em a piece they'll find a way to get a piece of you one way or the other.

Sometimes I just know things.

The sad part about happy endings is there's nothing to write about.