On my days off I pick up our chicken's eggs. My wife and I have five chickens called The Spice Girls. Five lovely chicks. And no, we won't be eating any of them for Christmas dinner.

I've not really had a bad Christmas. Apart from serious things, like when my father died. He rather spoiled the party and I've never forgiven him for falling off the twig on Christmas Day.

I'm always impressed with the way the writers find new and creative ways of killing people. But my favourite has to be the hat pin through the ear.

My nearest and dearest have always been very careful. I've never had to send Christmas present back yet.

Football is my guilty pleasure.

Guitar is the most expressive instrument in the world. I don't play much any more. Maybe a bit in private.

Discarded lay all the dreamsIn the bin of unwanted thingsTill you came and set them freeAnd, to soar, gave them wings…

If keeping your word costs you the one thing you love the most, then what was it even worth keeping in the first place?

He never complained. He seemed to have no instinct for the making much of oneself that complaining requires.

Man is a tool-using animal.

There is no refuge from confession but suicide and suicide is confession.

Boys will be boys as long as there are no girls in the picture.

Well I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech, and that reminds me of a story that's so dirty I'm ashamed to think of it myself.

That's gotta be the one remaining constant - jeans have gotta be tight, baby.

You don't make stupid jokes in art.

O Reader! hast thou eer stood to see The Holly-tree? The eye that contemplates it well perceies Its glossy leaes Ordered by an Intelligence so wise As might confound the Atheist's sophistries.