My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties...welcome to my world.

I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.

There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey... We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".

Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.

Now, this was a combination that she wouldn’t dare to dream of, even in her worst nightmare.

May all you affirm and believe be given the opportunity to manifest - day by day.

The word 'romance, ' according to the dictionary, means excitement, adventure, and something extremely real. Romance should last a lifetime.

Your ability to set and achieve goals is perhaps the most important skill you can ever develop.

Our vision is beclouded and the pathway of our progress is obstructed until we come to know that god can and does express as Good in every person and every situation.

Life is not meant to be easy, my child; but take courage: it can be delightful.

Despair and postponement are cowardice and defeat. Men were born to succeed, not to fail.

God is in everything whether I'm mentioning him or not.

You're strong—you're so, so strong. It's why I love you.

You don't play a game or color a picture with a child to show your superiority. Rather, you choose to limit yourself so as to facilitate and honor that relationship.