Make sure you're doing impressions of people that are still relevant, and that everyone knows. Red Skelton impressions are a little outdated.

I don't want to die tomorrow knowing I could've had a piece of cake tonight.

There's 5 levels of fatness! Fluffy is one of the levels. There's big, healthy, husky, fluffy and damn.

Why do people measure life by the years instead of how good the years were?

I drink diet coke so I can eat regular cake.

Me racist? The only race I hate is the one you have to run.

Life is measured by how you lived it, not by the years.

With all the classes they offer at school, how come they don't have one for common sense?

When you go to Hawaii, it's all about "Aloha." It means hello, goodbye and I love you.

You live by the cake, you die by the cake.

I had to travel half way across the world to be called an American.

It's like a malicious person lifting a photograph from the developing chemicals too early, and then pronouncing the photographer incompetent.

As age changes with each moment, we become that little bit more of a distant memory to the person we are currently.

I rant, therefore I am

The biggest problem is our lack of "response-ability." That’s what happens when money rather than love is the bottom line. People act like idiots.

I don't want ever to be guilty of what my critics claim: doing formula without original elements.

Calling is a 'yes' to God that carries a 'no' to the chaos of modern demands. Calling is the key to tracing the story line of our lives and unriddling the meaning of our existence in a chaotic world.

Let every man in mankind's frailtyConsider his last day; and let nonePresume on his good fortune until he findLife, at his death, a memory without pain.

I [Death] was astonished to see him in Baghdad, for I had an appointment with him tonight in Samarra.

Gregory Hines was the most talented man I've ever met or seen. Gregory Hines is one of those people that whenever he talked to you, you felt like you were the center of the universe.

A little flattery, like a warm bath and soft towel, will let you get along with yourself, lie down with yourself, and sleep.