In the time it takes you to understand a 14-year-old, he turns 15.

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.

Cherish the friend who tells you a harsh truth, wanting ten times more to tell you a loving lie.

You can spend too much time wondering which of identical twins is the more alike.

What greater blessing to give thanks for at a family gathering than the family and the gathering.

Ever wonder what crime you committed that you are confined to a small enclosure above your sinuses, under permanent skull arrest?

If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that "Members not Present" and "Subjects Discussed" were one and the same.

It finally happened. I got the GPS lady so confused, she said, "In one-quarter mile, make a legal stop and ask directions.

For the most part, we carnivores do not eat other carnivores. We prefer to eat our vegetarian friends.

On a windswept hill by a billowing sea, my destiny sits and waits for me.

It is not that love is blind. It is that love sees with a painter's eye, finding the essence that renders all else background.

Ordinary men commit extraordinary evil all the time. Trust me.

Any man who is attached to things of this world is one who lives in ignorance and is being consumed by the snakes of his own passions

Facetiousness is allowable when it is the most proper instrument of exposing things apparently base and vile to due contempt.

I'm [going] through a mystified period of my life, where the more I learn, the less I know.

If you feel compelled to give a New Year's Eve party, don't invite people to arrive too early or they'll go off the boil before midnight.

If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget. . . . he didn't lose your number. . . . he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

You can't really tell what the audience wants but you can tell what will keep everybody's attention in the same place.

In the morning, I reach for the sports page.

To me, a great love story is a great love story, and it doesn't matter what gender is involved.

Few things in life are less efficient than a group of people trying to write a sentence. The advantage of this method is that you end up with something for which you will not be personally blamed.