In New York, we had primary elections for mayor. To improve their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani.

Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.

A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die.

I have an abacus at home.

A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there's only six people under 30 who actually vote.

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.

Santa will be showing up with Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer.

After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump's hair has a new show on Animal Planet.

Chronologically she is twelve, but emotionally she is older, and intellectually older still.

The opposite of manliness isn’t cowardice

Hard work and dedication is important to success, and I have those qualities.

Religion is just mind control.

Only the margin left to write on now. I love you, I love you, I love you.

To get a human through a life, lives of broken bones, knock-me-over-with-a-feather susceptibility to myriad viruses, and whatever else might befall someone will cost money.

Nobody can give a good performance unless the authors and composers have written a good part, a fact which is often overlooked.

Usually when people say they have mixed feelings about something, it's a sort of euphemistic way of saying they hate it.

I have written every poem, every novel, for the same purpose-to find out what I think, to know where I stand.

If there is to be any proving of our humanity it must be by revolutionary means