I was not one of the popular kids, I was not great at sports, girls didn't pay attention to me.I was just pretty much an average kid, no stand-out abilities, nothing note-worthy.

But the mechanics of learning to 'throw your voice' are pretty simple. Anyone with a tongue, an upper palate, teeth, and a normal speaking voice can learn ventriloquism.

When a bad experience happens, you just chalk it up to the great fact that you just got five more jokes in the show.

As humans we like to laugh at our fears, we like to whistle in the dark.

A comedian needs to have his own filters, needs to know his audience, how far he can push things.

I've always said that instead of watching a guy juggle seven things amazingly I would rather see a really bad juggler who's really funny.

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Everybody has their favorite character.That's the only way I pick, whatever is going on in society, whatever I think folks will laugh at that's what I come up with.

I started in a business background, but then it was like, 'you know, I can't do math,' so I changed it to a liberal arts degree and got my Bachelor of Arts in Communications and it made sense.

I've got an answer to where Osama bin Laden is and I know, he's dead and living in my suitcase with my dummies.'

I used to pick Priuses out of the grill of my Hummer.

There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse.

I don't just love her, she owns me. Completely. I'd do anything for her

Resistance in Palestine will continue until the final liberation of all the Palestinian lands.

We have perfected our weapons but failed to perfect the men who use them.

I love vintage shopping in flea markets, vintage stores and even Ebay.

I think Juan stopped short - he got halfway to the destination and got off the train. He is certainly an excellent writer and a good person, but I'm not a nationalist.

Pay attention, people! There's no excuse for making the same mistakes that others have made. If you do, it's your own fault and you should expect no sympathy, no compassion.

You can't find the soul with a scalpel.

You need to let yourself feel. Feel it, own it. Then move on

Philosophers don't all believe that ethics is just based on intuition. That's just stupid! It's ignoramus!