I've been doing stand-up 29 years; there is no other career when you're finding your stride 30 years into it.

If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.

Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.

If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.

What bothers me most about today is that we're getting used 2 it. ENOUGH. 2nd amendment must go. Violence has 2 stop. Culture MUST change.

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.

When human beings stop progressing at an endeavor, they stop enjoying it and move on to something else. Not golfers. Masochists, all of them.

I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.

If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick.

I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.

Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?

True success is a silence inner process that can empower the mind, heart and soul through strong aspiration for great achievement.

No need to feel shame for what you are.

Trifles make up the happiness or the misery of mortal life.

Peace is its own reward.

The worst thing that an actor can do is go into any project with a lack of respect for the material. You can have an opinion about it, but you have to respect yourself in doing it.

Emotional function and cognitive function aren't unrelated to each other. They're completely intertwined.

The party should stand for a constantly wider diffusion of property. That is the greatest social and economic security that can come to free men. It makes men free.

Real beauty is created when you are feeling good inside, whether that means being healthy, feeling confident or just wearing your favorite scent.

Montesquieu well knew, and justly admired, the happy constitution of this country [Great Britain], where fixed and known laws equally restrain monarchy from tyranny and liberty from licentiousness.

Well, you know, like, I don't really give a f**k what the general public think.