I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

I have always believed in the principle that immediate survival is more important than long-term survival.

Knowledge comes naturally with studying, and with God's touch, instantly. Wisdom comes naturally with age, and with God's touch, immediately.

Girls' education is the single best investment that any society can make.

What is called liberality is often no more than the vanity of giving, of which some persons are fonder than of what they give.

You don't burn out from going too fast. You burn out from going too slow and getting bored.

I'm a great believer in the competitive system, and think that competition will bring us greater innovation and put American industry in information ahead of everyone also.

I think President Obama has used the bully pulpit as a way to attack capitalism.

Make a decision! Failure to act is often the biggest failure of all.

By the time you get to your ball, if you don't know what to do with it, try another sport.

You kind of live and die by the serve.