I never sing in the shower. It's very dangerous.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

For now, let us simply observe that the assault on human dignity is one of the prime goals of the visitation of fear, a prelude to the domination of the mind and the triumph of power

There's nothing in this world that comes easy. There are a lot of people who aren't going to bother to win. We learn in football to get up and go once more.

Jesus raised the standard high so we would realize we couldn’t possibly do it without a savior.

If you use your mind to look for a Buddha, you won't see the Buddha.

In every case, I find pre-planning noble, but not always that useful in comedy. You know comedy once you're doing it.

And I'll never forget the first time I took the possibility to project sound every day for six or seven hours with special devices which were built for me.

If I didn't believe in this team and this organization and the direction that we're headed, I wouldn't have signed the extension.

Look for me in the whirlwind or the storm.

May my tears run just as far, that my love might never know that one day I cried for him.

In a culture whose already classical dilemma is the hypertrophy of the intellect at the expense of energy and sensual capability, interpretation is the revenge of the intellect upon art.