I'm on so late I'm definitely the last seconds of anyone's attention. So I just want to give them something dumb to laugh at, so they go, 'That's funny, ' then fall asleep.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

The worst thing about talk ... is that there's no way to lay it to rest. Every fresh breeze brings a new speculation.

Once in a very long time you come across a book that is far, far more than the ink, the glue and the paper, a book that seeps into your blood.

Turn your wound into wisdom, then help people to find true freedom.

Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.

I am Diogenes the Dog. I nuzzle the kind, bark at the greedy and bite scoundrels.

Producers want to put their music behind revivals but I don’t think that’s a good trend for the theater at all.

Toward no crimes have men shown themselves so cold- bloodedly cruel as in punishing differences of belief.

Better gray than garishness.

I return my tax bill without paying it. My reason for doing so is that women suffer taxation yet have not representation.

Sometimes it's hard to accept one's inner weirdo.