I have this dream life where I get to be a celebrity but I get to kind of navigate the world fairly easily because I'm always in character.

I think free speech is probably the coolest thing we have in this country, and again, you can label it hate speech and dismiss it, and then you're allowed to censor it.

After years of begging, I got my parents to get me a little Craig tape recorder, a reel to reel. Then I started recording voices, or recording Jonathan Winters off television and stuff like that.

If I only ran when nothing hurt, I would never run.

That's why modern corporate movie making has become so laborious that comedians are kind of kicked out by 50.

You know, sometimes you can't just take an armadillo, put it in the barn, light it on fire and expect it to make licorice.

It's almost like he's started to sound even more exotic the more people started doing him. I don't know why, but there's just something about Al Gore that makes me laugh.

A mom and dad found an S&M magazine under their 10-year-old son's bed, and the dad said, 'Well, we sure can't spank him.'

If she were a President, she'd be Babe-raham Lincoln!

Am I not turtley enough for the Turtle Club? Turtle! Turtle!

I know it's a cliche, but the whole family is just whacked. I mean, we're all out of our minds. They're the funniest, most eccentric bizarre people I've ever met, my siblings.

We are not trapped or locked up in these bones. No, no. We are free to change. And love changes us. And if we can love one another, we can break open the sky.

Everything changes except the love.

The happiest people among us are those who can sleep when they want to.

I love getting dressed up and having someone do my make-up and feeling pretty.

I've always done things myself. I've never bragged or screamed that I produced a record before. I never told anybody.

When a man gets his money in bad ways, when he sees the better course and takes the worse, then the devil's in his heart, and that fixes him.

The face of Garbo is an Idea, that of Hepburn an Event.

To say that secular means irreligious implies that all the arts and sciences are irreligious, and is very like saying that all professions except that of the law are illegal.

Family traits, like murder, will out. Nature has but so many molds.

How beautiful was the spectacle of nature not yet touched by the often perverse wisdom of man!