I hate waking up every morning to my alarm. I always bang my head on the steering wheel.

The Heimlich maneuver works on house pets. My pit bull was choking on his dinner. I squeezed his stomach and the neighbor's cat shot right out.

I just recently had my Visa card stolen. Right now, it's everywhere I want to be.

I joined a health spa recently. They had a sign for "Free Weights." So I took a couple.

Every intelligent individual wants to know what makes him tick, and yet is at once fascinated and frustrated by the fact that oneself is the most difficult of all things to know.

Public opinion: a vulgar impertinent anonymous tyrant who deliberately makes life unpleasant for any one of us who is not content to be the average man.

Ballroom dancing is a contact sport. Rugby is a collision sport.

I can't play my songs on the smaller harp. I have a Celtic harp. I can't do the key changes.

Human intelligence is a limited resource. It cannot solve problems caused by ignoring fundamentals of existence.

The finest act of seeing is necessarily always the act of not seeing something else.

Something should remind us once more that the great things in this universe are things that we never see.

If she doesn't really love you, then it's over. And if she does love you, then love will win out.

Never underestimate the power of self-absorption, including your parents' self-absorption.

The objective of education is learning, not teaching