I drove myself to the Emergency Room. That's a nice relaxing drive. "Noooo, after you. Merge-everybody merge."

You know what's fun? You pick somebody at random, like out of the phone book, and send them about 100 'Just Because' cards. They can't even ask you why you did it.

Go my favorite sports team go! Score a goal. Unit. Basket. Go squadron! Defeat the opponents soundly in this...skirmish.

I think the serving size of ice cream is when you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the container.

If you were to second guess your decision to book some time to visit an Indian community, that would be a reservation reservation reservation.

A formula for comedy is comedy equals tragedy plus time. A difficult or uncomfortable situation takes place, and then you laugh about it later down the road.

The big yellow one is the sun!

I was at the breakfast table this morning and I read in the newspaper that more and more adults are living at home with their parents. That surprised me, I was like Mom did you read this?

Racquetball is the only sport where simultaneously you can be looking at the ball and it'll hit you in the back of the head at 90 miles per hour.

I hate getting off the elevator on the wrong floor? Anyone ever do that... and then you have to turn around and face those people. I feel like I owe everyone in there an explanation.

If Einstein was so smart how come people only call you 'Einstein' when you do something really stupid ?

In the world today, only a philosophy of eternity could justify non-violence.

I think there's a lot to learn from Rockefeller on how to pass legislation.

Knowing who you are begins in the mind.

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.

Philosophers are smart, analytical, and skeptical. For these reasons they are relatively unbiased.

You can only experience love if you have self love.

The performance of a lifetime is the perfect thing to be doing at this age because I can use the age.

Select only things to steal that speak directly to your soul. If you do this, your work (and theft) will be authentic. Authenticity is invaluable; originality is nonexistent

Unregulated competition is a naive metaphor for anarchy.

You have to keep your audience in your mind; if you're writing stuff that you know nobody's going to care about then you should rethink what you're doing!