I don't see how being married could be any worse than listening to you talk for twenty years, but that still ain't much of a recommendation for it.

True maturity is only reached when a man realizes he has become a father figure to his girlfriends' boyfriend - and he accepts it

Self-parody is the first portent of age.

Only a rank degenerate would drive 1,500 miles across Texas without eating a chicken fried steak.

Backward is just not a natural direction for Americans to look - historical ignorance remains a national characteristic.

If you wait, all that happens is that you get older.

Uva uvum vivendo varia fit

People would be bored shitless if they had to love only the good in someone they care about.

A woman's love is like the morning dew. It's just as likely to settle on a horse turd as a rose.

Incompetents invariably make trouble for people other than themselves.

Yesterday's gone on down the river and you can't get it back.

Corruption, the greatest single bane of our society today.

[When Harry Met Sally] was fine, but it was a job. And I did it right after The 'Burbs.

Joy is the experience of knowing that you are unconditionally loved.

The most interesting place by far was Afghanistan. Just because it is a place that I cannot see myself living. The hardness of the people and the history of the country is just so completely intense.

These days I am a teetotal, mean-spirited, right-wing, narrow-minded, conservative Christian bigot, but not a racist.

When I get up, I have a cup of coffee, surf the Internet, then do a half-hour run.

The size of your success is measured by the strength of your desire; the size of your dream; and how you handle disappointment along the way.

Practical sciences proceed by building up; theoretical science by resolving into components.

I think that I'm coming off as the biggest alcoholic in the world.

It is the triumph of superior reason to live with folks who don't have any.